[ chapter 2 ]

People need time to get used to changes. As a drummer in a band I was used to changes, but you never really get used to the changes themselves. I find it frustrating when we all of a sudden have to run to an interview or when a planned one gets cancelled. People like it when everything goes as planned and when it doesn’t they need time to make a new plan and turn in a new road. Things need time getting used to, but once you’re used to it you can’t imagine it being like it was before. Kelsey and I weren’t at that point yet.

It had been a week since we’d found out about each other’s secrets and neither of us had spoken a word about it since. We had hung out and we had talked, but not about that or anything that had even the littlest thing to do with it. It had simply been too soon. We had needed the space to think of how we were going to fit all this in our lives and in our friendship, because this was a big change for both of us.

I knew Kelsey was having a harder time then she pretended to have. I could read her like a book and I could tell she was struggling with her feelings. I wanted to help her deal with it, but I wasn’t quite sure how. I didn’t think it would be a wise idea to hug her since that would only make it harder for her and she wasn’t going to talk about it until she was ready for it. All I could really do was just be there for her, as a friend, so that’s what I did.

The movie we’d been watching ended and I stretched out on the bed in an attempt to get the laziness out of my system. I failed and yawned. “What did you think of it?” I asked as I turned my head to look at her. She shrugged and I could read the sadness in her eyes which really wasn’t a normal reaction to a comedy. I wanted so badly to hug her and tell her it would be okay, but I refrained myself from doing so and instead an uncomfortable tension filled her room.

Her eyes started to shine with tears and soon they were rolling down her cheeks. She let out a sob and even though I knew it probably wasn’t a good idea to hug her, I did, because I couldn’t just lay there and watch her fall apart. She wrapped her arms tightly around my waist as I wrapped mine around her shoulders. She had her head pressed against my chest as close as she could, almost as if she’d rather disappear inside me. Her tears were falling down on my shirt and I could feel that the cold fabric started to cling against my chest.

I brushed her hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear which caused a loud sob to escape her lips. I pulled back a little, scared that I was only making it harder for her by doing this, but she reacted by trying to crawl deeper in my embrace. I wrapped my arms tighter around her again and tried to soothe her the best I could. I rubbed her back and softly kissed her in her hair as I told her it was alright.

“Is it?” She asked softly.

“I don’t know, isn’t it?” I asked in return.

She shrugged. “I don’t know. You said things wouldn’t change, but things haven’t been the same all week. It’s like you’re afraid of being too close to me. You always hugged me when we met and now you just say ‘hi’ and then walk in. It’s not the same anymore Zac, but you said it wouldn’t change.” She said with a small sob.

“I thought you’d might want the space. I’m not scared of being close to you. I love being close with you like we are now, but I know you’re having a hard time and I don’t want to make it even harder by hugging you or holding your hand.” I said as I wiped a few tears from her cheeks.

“I just need things to stay the same Zac. It does hurt right now, but I’ll get over it, but I need us to stay the same. You’re my best friend and I need your hugs.”

“You have my hugs.” I said and she laughed quietly at my lame comment. I smiled and pressed a kiss against her forehead as I rolled on my back. She nestled against me with her head resting on my chest and it felt right. This was the way it was supposed to be between us and I was glad she didn’t want this to change, because I certainly didn’t want that.

She cried a little while longer as I held her and let my hand rub in small circles over the lower part of her back. My shirt was wet and clingy from all her tears, but it didn’t matter. I was glad she was dealing with it rather than stuffing her emotions and feelings away. I’d done that in the period that I’d been angry with myself, because I didn’t want anyone else to see what I felt, but hiding everything hadn’t made dealing with it any easier. Surely it had been my own choice to hide it, but looking back at it now, I don’t think I would’ve made that same decision again. No matter how much we try to deny it sometimes, people are made to live in groups. They’re unable to survive on their own. They need support and contact, something I had denied Kelsey all week which had proven to be a mistake.

When she calmed down she rubbed her tears away with the end of her sleeve and let out an exhausted sigh. I pulled her a little closer to me and pressed a kiss against her forehead. “I’m sorry for this last week. I didn’t mean to give you the feeling I was pushing you away.” I said apologizing again. “It’s okay. It was sweet of you to give me some space, but next time maybe check with me first if I actually want it.” She said. I smiled. “Promise.” I said. She smiled too and nestled herself against me in a more comfortable position.

We lay in a comfortable silence for a while until she decided to break it with a question which I knew meant many more. “Can I ask you something?” She asked carefully.

“Yeah.” I answered.

“How long have you known?” She asked.

“Since I was 13, but it took me a year or so to really accept it.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” She asked soft and a little hurt.

“I couldn’t.” I said as regret filled my chest.

“Why not? I would’ve understood. I could’ve helped you deal with it. You could’ve talked to me. You didn’t have to deal with it alone.” She said.

“I did have to deal with it alone. I was so confused at first and it was such a mess in my head that it didn’t even make sense to myself. I needed to figure it out first. I needed to come to the conclusion that I didn’t just like boys because I was so used to having girls around me and I needed to do that on my own. I needed it to be my own conclusion. I didn’t want it to be influenced by anyone else, not even by you.” I said and I knew that any other person may have been offended by this, but she understood.

“Then why didn’t you tell me after that?” She asked.

“Fear.” I said and when she didn’t respond I explained it. “I know you’ve always been my best friend and I knew that if I would’ve told you that you would’ve understood, but I was so scared it would change everything. I was scared our friendship and the way you looked at me would change. I don’t like it when things change and it would’ve killed me if our friendship would’ve changed, because I needed you so much at that point. You made me feel so much better, normal even. When I was with you I could just forget about all the things that I was feeling, because it didn’t matter. With you I could be just a normal kid. You were my rock in the surf and I couldn’t afford loosing you, so I didn’t tell you or anyone else.” I finished.

She looked up at me with new tears in her eyes. “That’s one of the sweetest things anyone ever said to me.” She said quietly.

“And I mean it. I don’t know where I would be without you. You always made sure I kept both of my feet on the ground. Remember back when MMMBop came out and there was this totally hype around us and everyone we’d known before that would scream and do whatever crazy things to get our attention and be our best friends? You never did. You just staid your old normal self and that’s why I loved hanging out with you so much. You helped me to keep grip on reality and everything that was normal and you still do that. I’d be lost without you.” I said.

“I don’t know what to say.” She said soft.

“Nothing. Just take the compliment.” I said with a smile.

She smiled too. “I will. Thank you.” She said with a blush on her cheeks and rested her head back on my chest.

“Thank you too.” I said.

She let the silence between us linger for a while before she asked her next question. I knew she must have a ton and I was going to answer them all. We had kept secrets from each other long enough and I didn’t want to do that anymore. Our secrets had almost ruined our friendship once and I wasn’t going to take the risk of letting anything like this happen ever again. No more secrets, not for her at least.

“So nobody knows yet?” She asked.

“Just you.” I answered.

“Are you planning on telling anyone else soon?”

“No, I don’t think so.” I said.

“Why not? You can’t keep this a secret forever and it might just be easier getting it over with at once.” She reasoned.

“I know, but it’s my family. You know how religious all of us are. Being gay isn’t approved by the bible Kels and I’m so scared of what they will think and say and do when they find out.” I said nervously chewing on my bottom lip by the thought of telling them.

“But you still believe in God right? Despite of what the bible says about having a different sexuality.”

“I do still believe in God, but part of what made it so hard for me to accept this was what the bible says.” I said.

“But you’re okay with it now.” She pointed out.

“Yeah, but that’s only because I know I can’t change what I feel. My parents see it as some sort of illness that you can control as long as you’re willing to fight against it, but it’s not. I tried so hard to like girls, to like you as more than a friend, but I never could. Just like I couldn’t stop that excited feeling in the pit of my stomach when I saw a boy amongst the line of girls. Everything the bible said made me think God would hate me, but then I started thinking, why would he hate me for loving another person? I’m not hurting anyone by being like this so why should He be angry with me? That thought got me to be okay with it, but I can’t expect others to share that thought, because the bible still says it’s wrong.”

“But they’re your family. That has to count for a lot. You’re their son. Sure, maybe they will be angry and upset and whatever for a while, but they know you and they will accept it, because they’ll realise this is not a choice.”

“Do you really think so?” I asked her.

“Yeah and if they don’t accept it then the whole concept of religion is even more fucked up then I thought.” She said and I chuckled at her comment.

Kelsey had never been religious, but she’d always accepted the fact that I was. Just like I accepted that she chose not to believe. My parents would make the occasional remarks about it, hoping they could get her to change her mind, but it had never worked and I knew it never would. Despite that, my parents loved her. Kelsey was a good girl. She never did anything the bible disapproved of and she never questioned our believes in front of any of us, with an exception of today. Although my parents would love to see me with a Christian girl they often hinted for me to hook up with Kelsey. That was something I knew would never be happening because my partner of choice would be a guy, but I didn’t tell my parents that. I simply told them it wouldn’t be happening since Kelsey was nothing more than my best friend, which was true. Still they had the silent hope that one day we’d realise we were more than just friends and in Kelsey’s case that had happened, for me it never would.

“Have you ever been with a guy?” She asked softly, like she didn’t really want to know the answer.

“No.” I answered and I could feel in the way her body relaxed that she was happy with my answer.

“Been in love?” She asked.

“Not really. There was this guy once I liked to look at, but it wasn’t a real crush or anything. He looked good, but he was a major jerk.”

“Do I know him?” She asked curiously.

“Yeah.” I said biting my lip.

“It’s not my brother is it?” She asked.

“What?! No, of course not.” I said pulling a disgusted face.

She laughed. “Just checking. So, who was it then?” She asked as she rolled on her stomach so she could look at me while we talked.

“That guy who used to come to that coffee place at 37th street. I think his name was Derek or something.”

Her forehead wrinkled in a small frown as she tried to remember and when she remembered she smiled. “Yeah, he was cute. Total jerk though. He went to my High School. I don’t think I ever heard any good stories about him. He was known for hooking up with another girl every week and beating up people when they didn’t do things the way he liked them to be done.”

“But he was cute.” I defended myself.

“That he was.” She said with a laugh.

“Was he the only one you ever liked?” She asked.

“The only one I liked and saw more than once, yes. Random guys on the street don’t really count do they?” I asked.

“No, not really, but they’re always nice to look at.” She pointed out.

“Definitely.” I said with a grin.

“We’re not going to fall in love with the same guy right?” She asked.

“I hope not.” I answered.

“I don’t want some guy to come between us.” She said.

“It won’t.” I ensured her.

“Promise?” She asked.

“I promise. You’re more important than any guy.” I said.

“Can I quote you on that?” She asked teasingly.

“If you absolutely have to.” I said with a laugh. She nodded and I gave her a push against her shoulders so that she rolled on her back. She came to lie besides me, with our shoulders touching and our hands locking.

Change really wasn’t so bad. You just needed some time to get used to it. I guess the real problem was that things never stop changing. When you’re used to the one thing, the next has already changed and you can start getting used to this new thing all over again. It was annoying and frustrating, but that’s life. Without change life would be rather boring and even though everyone wants a boring life sometimes, you don’t want a boring life all the time. At least, I don’t.



Author's note: I realized I've been posting this story three days in a row and I'm just warning you right now that that's extrordinary and that it probably won't happen again, sad as that may sound. I was only able to post these three so fast because I had already written them and now I'm starting chapter 4 from scratch, so it may take a while longer to write/post it. From my own experience I noticed it usually takes about a week (or a little more at the moment since i'm in the middle of finals and also have another fanfic running) for me to update. Hope that's okay with you all and if not ... then sadly there's not much I can do about it.