[ chapter 8 ]

Things remained pretty much the same after that. Cayden was still gorgeous and I was still in love; end of hopeless story. It was really frustrating and I didn’t quite know what to do with myself. I even found myself snapping at Cayden one night just because I was so frustrated and he was both the one causing it, though he didn’t know, and the only one around for me to take it out on. He didn’t think much of it since I had been slightly moody all day, which was my luck. I apologized later and he told me it was fine and that we all had days like that. I agreed, but really; he had no idea.

Thankfully I was pretty good at hiding how I felt, because even my brothers didn’t expect a thing which was something I had feared for, especially know they knew I was gay. Sometimes I was scared they would notice that I looked at Cayden just a little bit too long or with too big a smile on my face. Especially that one time I had abruptly stopped playing the drums during a sound check since Cayden had walked into the room shirtless. I was used to seeing him like that at night and in the morning, but then I was prepared for it and that time I wasn’t. I’m sure I stared at him a good thirty seconds while my brothers were, thankfully, both staring at me and not to where I was staring at, because they surely would’ve figured it out then. When Taylor snapped me out of my trance I made up a lousy excuse of having cramp in one of my hands, which they both believed despite the crimson colour on my cheeks.

They didn’t talk about my sexuality to begin with. I wasn’t sure if that was because they had accepted it or had just chosen to ignore it for the time being, but I wasn’t complaining either way. I liked that everything was back to normal between us and I honestly needed it too. I wouldn’t have been able to handle an awkward situation with them on top of being in love. Being in love alone was hard enough for me. I didn’t understand how Taylor and Isaac dealt with it, because they had been in love so many times before and they had always seemed perfectly fine. Maybe it was just pretence too or maybe it got easier after so many times, but I somehow doubted that. Maybe someday after many more crushes I’d find out and I wasn’t at all looking forward to it. I was already completely fed up with it, but that didn’t mean I could change a thing about it.

“Being in love sucks.” I told Kelsey the minute she picked up her phone. It had become my signature greeting line since the last couple of calls.

“Tell me about it.” Was her normal return greeting, but not today. “Maybe.” She said instead with a somewhat dreamy and mysterious tone in her voice.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked her curiously, seriously wondering what she meant and what had caused her to change her mind.

“Well, I kind of got asked out.” She said and I could hear a big smile in her voice.

“Really?” I asked surprised, not because I thought she was too ugly to be asked out, because she was one of the most gorgeous girls in town of our age and she got asked out plenty of times by any guy who managed to built up the guts, but more so because she actually sounded excited about it, which she never had before. This far she had turned down every single guy and I had never put much thought into it, until she had told me she was in love with me. It had suddenly all made sense then.

“Yes, really!” She nearly shouted in excitement and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“I take it that he’s cute?” I said with a laugh and didn’t give her a chance to answer before I asked her another question. “Do I know him?”

“Nope. He just moved to town three weeks ago. His parents bought the house Mrs. Peters used to live in.” She said and I nodded, though she couldn’t see it.

“So, is he cute?” I asked still wanting an answer to that question.


“You have no idea.” She said with a happy sigh and I realized she sounded just like me when I was talking about Cayden. “He’s in a couple of my classes and I see him at Starbucks practically every day. I’m sure he and Taylor would make great friends.” She said thoughtfully.

“Yeah, except Tay goes there for the coffee and you-haven’t-told-me-his-name-yet comes there for you.” I said somewhat teasingly though I was very serious.

“Don’t be stupid!” She said and I could almost see her roll her eyes and if I had sat besides her I would’ve surely earned a slap against my chest.

“I can’t help it and you know it.” I teased. “So, what’s his name? Tell me more girl, or do I really have to drag everything out of you?”

She laughed. “Uh, his name’s Riley and uh, he’s really cute?” She stated lamely, to which I rolled my eyes and I’m sure she knew I did.

“I can’t help it okay!” She said defensively. “We’ve never talked before. I’ve only seen him around, that’s all. I think he’s from Oklahoma City though.”

I laughed. “You’re such a dork. You’re going out with a guy you don’t even know.” I said.

“I know, it’s kind of stupid, but he seems nice enough and he was really cute asking me out. He was really nervous and stuttering and, just cute.” She said.

“You’re cute too.” I told her. Hearing her like this really made me happy too.

“Shut up.” She muttered and I was pretty sure she was blushing.

“Do you think it’s a bad idea to go out with someone you don’t know?” She asked suddenly serious again.

“Not really. I mean, he’s in your class and everything so I guess you kind of know what he’s like. Just, like, don’t go into any dark alleys with him.” I said scratching the back of my head.

“Yeah, like I hadn’t thought of that myself.” She said, making fun of me.

I decided to ignore that. “When’s the date?” I asked.

“Tomorrow night and I’m kind of really nervous about it.” She said.

“Don’t be. You’ll be fine. You’re an amazing girl and I’m sure he’ll love you, any guy with the tiniest bit of brain would.” I ensured her.

“Unless they’re gay and thus brainless.” She remarked jokingly.

“Oh, ouch.” I said and pretended to fall down dead on the bed.

“Don’t be such a drama queen!” She told me, obviously knowing me too well, because I really wasn’t insulted. She knew I could handle a gay comment like that from her, because I knew she was only joking. She liked to occasionally tease me about it and I honestly believed she had every right to because of what I had put her through, though it hadn’t been intentional. Plus I knew that for her humor was a way of dealing with things and it worked just fine for me too.

We chatted a little while longer about what we’d been up to and of course about Cayden since I couldn’t keep myself from not talking about him, since she was the only one I could talk to him about. The conversation was always the same; me reciting the cute things Cayden had done and Kelsey hearing me out until I sighed heavily and stated again that it all didn’t matter anyway and once again told her that being in love sucked. It was kind of lame, but it always made me feel a bit better anyway.

She called me again the next day, about five minutes before her date, stating once again that she was nervous. I told her once again that she’d be fine and that she had absolutely nothing to worry about since there was no way he wouldn’t like her. It actually calmed her down a little, until her mother called out that he was there. I could tell by the weird squeal that left her mouth that she was nervous all over again.

“Just be yourself and have fun.” Were my last words of advice before she mumbled a nervous goodbye and muttered something that sounded an awful lot like ‘why am I doing this?’ before she hung up. I snickered and returned to the gang and the food that was waiting for us.

“Kelsey has a date.” I said through a mouthful of pizza. We really weren’t very original when it came to our choice of food on nights of a gig. We always ended up ordering something from a local delivery restaurant and more often than not it was pizza or Chinese.

“What?” Isaac asked surprised as his mouth, also filled with pizza, dropped open a bit.

“She has a date.” I said. “Some guy who just moved to town. He’s in a couple of her classes and she sees him at Starbucks.” I informed them. “Oh, and according to her he’s very cute.” I added, just because.

“Good for her.” Taylor said thoughtfully as he picked the paprika from his slice of pizza.

“Yeah.” Isaac agreed.

“So, does this mean she’s over you?” He asked looking at me.

“I don’t know.” I answered with a shrug. I hadn’t really thought of that yet, but now that I did, I didn’t really believe she wasn’t in love with me anymore. I think a part of her still was, even though she knew she couldn’t be with me. Just like it was for me with Cayden. That I couldn’t have him didn’t mean I wasn’t in love anymore. It was just a different kind of being in love. It was being in love without the hope and possibilities, but that didn’t mean you didn’t feel amazing whenever that person was around, even if it was only as a friend. I think that’s what she felt too. And I think that she, just like me, knew we were going to eventually fall in love again with someone we could have, but that didn’t mean that the first person wouldn’t keep a special place in our hearts. I don’t think you ever forget your first crush, or any crush for that matter.

“It sounded like she really liked him though, so that’s good.” I said.

“Yeah, it is.” Taylor said and we all fell silent again after that. I’m not sure what they were thinking about, but I was still thinking about Kelsey and praying that her date would go well. She really deserved a guy who cared about her as much as she cared about him and I hoped that maybe Riley would be that guy for her.

It was a little weird though, to picture her on a date or with a possible boyfriend. It had always been pretty much the two of us and even though we’d promised to never let a guy come between us I also knew things would change when two people started dating. I’d seen it with Taylor and Isaac too. They’d suddenly spend more time with their girlfriends than with anyone else. That was only normal, but a little part of me feared that I would lose her. That I wouldn’t be the person she told all her secrets anymore or that I wouldn’t be her shoulder to cry on anymore. That thought kind of hurt, because I needed her as a friend. She was still my rock.

I didn’t need to worry about those things yet, because we weren’t even near that point. I was still the one she told everything. She had texted me, sometimes during the gig according to the time on the text message, to call her when I had time and I did the minute we stepped in a cab to go back to some hotel for the night.

“So?” I asked excited to hear everything as I picked up.

“He’s so amazing.” She said with a happy sigh and I smiled. “He was really polite to my parents, even when my dad started the whole talk about respecting me and taking me home in time. You know, those moments that already make you feel embarrassed when you see them in a movie.”

“Your dad actually did that?” I asked surprised while I laughed picturing it. He’d never done that when I had taken her out.

“I know, right? I felt so stupid, but Riley was pretty cool about it, thankfully. He told me he has an older sister so he knows how dads can get when it comes to things like that. Anyway, he took me to this little restaurant. It’s called Shizzle. I’d never heard of it, but it’s really cute and the food’s pretty amazing. It was awkward at first though, because we didn’t really know what to say, so it was seriously weird. But it got better after a while and we started talking about stuff, like our families, where he was from, what we like doing, you know, that sort of thing. We really have quite a few things in common and he’s funny and so nice and polite.” She stopped to take a breath and then continued.

“He took me to the movies and he grabbed my hand like halfway through it. It felt so good and he looked at me and he smiled when I smiled too and he has such a cute smile.” She said with an excited squeal that made me laugh.

“Sounds like a winner.” I said smiling as I looked at the city flashing by.

“Yeah, definitely. He kissed my cheek too when we said goodbye at my door. I don’t think my heart ever beat that fast. It was really so amazing.” She said happily. “And we’re going out again Wednesday after school. Well, it’s really just coffee or something, but I really can’t wait.”

“And you’ll see him during classes and at Starbucks.” I reminded her.

“True.” She said and giggled, which was something I rarely heard her do.

“You really like him don’t you?” I asked still smiling.

“Yeah, I think I do.” She said and I could hear she was smiling.

“I’m really happy for you.” I said and I really meant it.

“Thanks.” She said. “I’m gonna hang now though, because my battery’s one step away from being dead.”

“Yeah, kay. I’ll talk to you later.” I said, knowing we’d probably talk again tomorrow.

“You bet. Night.” She said and sent me a kiss through the phone.

“Night.” I told her and sent her a kiss back before I hung up.

“Guess it went well?” Taylor asked.

“Yup. They’re going out again. She really liked him.” I told him

“Good.” He said and got out as the taxi stopped outside of our hotel. I nodded though he couldn’t see anymore and stepped out too. Isaac paid the driver and we walked into the lobby where we found Charlie, Jacob and Cayden waiting for us with the room keys in hand. Charlie handed Isaac and Taylor theirs since they shared a room and Cayden already had ours.

I wasn’t really paying attention to where I was going and just followed them, since I was still thinking about the things Kelsey had told me and picturing what kind of guy Riley would be. I still had no idea what he looked like and I was quite curious about that. Maybe I could convince her to make a picture somehow and send it to me. I really wanted to know what he was like and a picture said more than a thousand words, cliché as it may sound.

I was still deep in thought when I felt someone grab my hand and pull me out of my course.

“It’s this way.” I heard Cayden say and I looked at him a bit dazed.

He just grinned back at me. “Getting lost in thought there Hanson?” He joked. He often called us by our last name, since he often needed either one of us and this way all three of us reacted.

I smiled guiltily and shrugged a bit and when my arm didn’t move as much as I had thought it would I noticed Cayden’s hand was still holding mine. My gaze dropped to our hands as my breath hitched in my throat. His hand was incredibly warm against my cold one and my heart beat rapidly in my chest. I could now imagine how Kelsey must’ve felt when Riley had grabbed her hand.

I looked back up at Cayden and I saw he was looking down at our hands too. I couldn’t quite see the look on his face and I had no idea what he was thinking. Maybe he thought I was a freak for not letting go, but then again, he didn’t let go either, but maybe that was because he was too shocked or confused. But maybe, just maybe it was because …

“This is our room.” Taylor said and his voice made us jump apart, almost literally. I felt like a deer caught in headlights even though Taylor and Isaac hadn’t seen a thing since they only just now turned around. I looked back at Cayden and he looked back at me with what I was sure was the same expression as the one that rested on my own face; a look of shock by being busted doing something we shouldn’t have been doing.

Cayden scraped his throat and turned to the door next to us. “Yeah, this is ours.” He said.

“Night then.” Taylor and Isaac said.

We both mumbled a good night back and Cayden opened the door to our room, placing the card on the small cabinet that was placed against the wall. I stepped inside after him and closed the door much slower than necessary. I took a deep breath before I turned around to face the probably most awkward moment of my entire life, and I’d already had quite a few.

He was looking at me, but I couldn’t read a single thing off his face. He just looked like a blank page, shocked, but otherwise blank. I was sure my face was beet red and I really wanted to slip inside the bathroom and not come out until ... well, ever again really. I felt so incredibly stupid and embarrassed and this moment was without doubt a thousand times worse than the moment after I had spilled my secret to my brothers. I had tried so hard to hide this and it had been going so well, but I was sure he knew now.