[ chapter 9 ]

Time kind of seemed to stop as he kept looking at me for what seemed hours, but were probably more like minutes or even seconds. I couldn’t tell the difference anymore. I just knew that this silence was taking too long and that it made me more and more nervous. I just wanted him to say something, anything. I really didn’t care anymore at this point, not even if he would be mad at me, because hell, I could understand if he was. I wasn’t stupid and I knew being gay was a pretty sensitive subject among guys, especially if you’d seen them half naked.

“You’re gay?” Cayden asked after what seemed to be another eternity, with a look of complete disbelieve on his face, much like the one my brothers had had.

I wanted to shake my head and tell him no. I wanted to tell him that it was all a stupid misunderstanding and that I had just spaced out and hadn’t even really noticed that we were still holding hands, but before I knew it I could feel my head move up and down in a nod.

“Oh my God, I can’t believe this.” He muttered before he turned around and took a few steps in the direction of the window.

“Are you fucking serious?” He asked once he turned back around to face me. His face was still unreadable and I hoped it meant he wasn’t actually angry.

“Yeah.” I said weakly and stared down at the ground ashamed.

“So, that, out there …” He started, but didn’t finish and I looked up slightly to see him point to the hall we just came from and he then slightly shook his head to order his thoughts, or something.

“Do you like me?” He asked with a non-understanding frown on his face.

This time I really wanted to lie and tell him I didn’t and I opened my mouth with every intention of doing so.

“I …” But I couldn’t finish the rest of the words. They hung somewhere halfway down my throat, unable to come out and I was sure this told him all he needed to know.

“Oh my God.” He muttered again before he once again turned around and brought his hands to his face to rub it furiously.

I dropped my head again and felt about ready to cry, though that was seriously the last thing I wanted to do in front of him. I felt so stupid and embarrassed and scared all at the same time and I didn’t know how to deal with those things all at once. I tightly closed my eyes and swallowed hard to keep myself together for as far as that was still possible. I felt as if my whole world had just crashed down around me; as if my worst nightmare had just come true. I really wanted to disappear. I didn’t even care where to as long as it was to a place where no one knew who I was or where none of this had ever happened.

“I’m sorry.” I mumbled barely hard enough for even myself to hear. I didn’t know what exactly I was sorry for; I just knew that I was and that this was the only thing I could think of saying.

“Don’t be.” He said with a soft voice that was suddenly so much closer to me than I had expected it to be.

I looked up from underneath my bangs and saw he was standing just two, maybe three feet away from me. My body was shaking just the littlest bit. I didn’t know what was going on anymore or what to say. This whole situation was confusing me more than I had considered humanly possible. I had expected him to scream and be angry or just be confused and not say much of anything at all, but I certainly hadn’t expected this. I hadn’t expected him to stay this calm and almost comfort me somewhat by his gentle words and I certainly hadn’t expected him to laugh.

It wasn’t a hard laugh. It was more a short, soft chuckle. The kind you have when you think of something funny and just can’t hold back from snickering. It just made me even more confused and I frowned at him as I tried to figure out what could possibly be funny right now.

“Fuck, you’re so cute.” He said with another soft chuckle and before I full well knew what was happening his arms were around my waist and I was being squashed against his chest.

I gasped loudly. My mind had really lost track of what was happening now. He had just told me that I was cute and now he was hugging me. This simply couldn’t be real. It had to be some sort of hallucination caused by panic or fear or something. I couldn’t even move anymore, let alone think. I felt completely paralyzed.

He must’ve noticed it too, because he let go off me again and I looked at him with what I was sure was the most confused face seen in human history. He seemed to find the whole thing rather amusing though, since he grinned and I could feel my heart melt despite the situation.

I frowned deeply as I felt his hand against mine. His hand was now the one that seemed cold since mine was warm and sweaty, much like the first time we had met. I looked down and saw his fingers slide slowly in between mine and they locked themselves around my hand. I swallowed hard as my mind finally seemed to catch up with what was happening. His hand gave mine an encouraging and gentle squeeze and I slowly closed my fingers around his hand before I looked back up at him and saw his beautiful dark brown eyes look straight into mine. A soft smile was resting on his face and I finally felt myself relax a bit, but only a bit since this situation was still so weird. A part of me still couldn’t grasp what was so obvious; that he was gay too and that he liked me. He was holding my hand and he was smiling and it was so surreal, because I hadn’t thought this would actually ever happen in anyplace other than my dreams and fantasies.

“When you said you hadn’t been with anyone yet, you didn’t just mean sex, did you?” Cayden asked gently.

I shook my head, because I still wasn’t able to speak.

“Do you want this than? I mean, I don’t want to for” He started, but I didn’t let him finish because I knew what he wanted to say.

“I do want this. I really do.” I told him along with a soft squeeze in his hand. My voice was nearly a whisper, but I at least managed to say something that was actually longer than three words. “I just …” I was kind of scared. I had never thought about what would happen if he actually did like me back or what it would be like to have a boyfriend, which I now did have.

“We can take it slow, okay?” He said seeming to have read my mind.

I nodded thankfully and smiled and melted again as he smiled back. I really couldn’t help the effect he had on me and I was so glad I didn’t have to hide it anymore or pretend like I didn’t have these feelings. It felt so good to just be able to look at him and not having to look away out of fear of staring too long or smiling too big. I was sure he was feeling the same, because we just stood there for minutes just staring at each other and holding hands and letting sink in everything that happened since the minute he had first grabbed my hand.

When we were finally done staring and smiling, we somehow ended up sitting down on opposite beds and we talked for hours about all the things we hadn’t been able to tell each other about before.

He told me he was seventeen when he realized he was gay, since the girlfriends he’d had and slept with couldn’t captivate him or make him feel like that one guy he saw at school did. That guy wasn’t gay though, but he said he’d quickly found a boyfriend who became his first everything. It didn’t last, since they broke up after a year because they both wanted something different.
His second boyfriend lasted a little longer, but eventually Cayden broke it off since the guy was becoming too much of a flamer which really turned him off. The guy obviously didn’t like it and called him the worst lay ever, though Cayden was convinced it was just jealousy because he’d been bigger.
The third and last boyfriend lasted two years, right until the moment Cayden found him in their bed with some other guy. It was the only time, he told me, he’d suffered from a real heartbreak which was why he’d been single for a while now. I suppose it was my luck.

In return, I told him of my lack of a dating history unless you counted the zillion blind dates my brothers had set me up on. Telling Cayden it actually seemed quite amusing, though it had felt like a disaster sitting across another girl making mindless small talk while praying the time would go faster. I could still remember the promising looks my brothers had send me each time and the look of disappointment on most of the girls’ faces when I didn’t ask them out again. That also led me to tell him about Kelsey and how horrible I had felt for turning her down the way I had, but how happy I was we were still friends.

He asked me if I had told anyone other than her and I told him about the way Isaac and Taylor had found out and how they had reacted and that I was still too scared to tell the rest of my family and especially my parents since they were so religious. I was scared he’d think I was stupid or weak for not telling them, but he told me he understood that religion complicated the whole thing. He wasn’t religious himself which was why Charlie had asked him during the job interview if he’d have any trouble with ours. It was the reason he hadn’t told any of us about his sexuality since he was scared we’d judge him or fire him or something similar. He normally didn’t mind when people knew. All of his friends and family knew and they accepted or at least respected it and I hoped that one day I would be able to say the same about mine. Just talking to him and listening to his story already gave me more hope of that.

Eventually there was nothing left for either of us to say and we were both staring at each other again with stupid smiles on our faces. I felt calm and relaxed and more certain about the thought of being with him since I knew he’d once been in my position too, where everything had been new to him like it was for me now. Maybe it was a bit weird, but I was even happy that he already had the experience of being with someone because it seemed to make this less awkward for me; like he would know exactly what to do and let me take the steps with him instead of having to figure it out on my own. Kind of like he was my guide in a new experience.

He reached for my hand as he got up from the bed and I took it as I got up too. It was really late and now that we had stopped talking I noticed how tired I was. I couldn’t repress a yawn as he tugged me along to the bathroom. It was weird to realize that we’d never been inside of one at the same time. We’d always taken turns, even if both of us had just needed to brush our teeth like we were doing now.

Our hands were still connected since he was right-handed while I was not. He squeezed it softly and sent me a smile full of toothpaste which I returned. I felt giddy and excited, like a laugh was constantly bubbling in my stomach waiting to get out just because we were here like this, together.

He was done before I was and let go of my hand to rinse his mouth with water before he walked out of the bathroom. I did the same and followed him and saw he’d already pulled his shirt over his head. I felt a slight blush creep up my cheeks as I watched him while he undid his jeans, not aware of the fact that I was watching. He didn’t seem bothered by it when he did notice, but I suddenly felt insecure and nervous about taking off my clothes in front of him even though he’d already seen me like that before. It seemed different now. He smiled knowingly and sat down on the bed to take off his socks. I was glad that he looked away and undressed too, but still felt naked and vulnerable and ugly compared to him. He had such an amazing body while I was probably getting way too chubby because of all the fast-food.

I forgot all about my insecurity when he walked to me and pressed his lips to my cheek and let them linger there for a few seconds in which my heart seemed to stop beating completely. His lips were soft and they sent pleasant tingles through my skin which made me close my eyes and relax. I opened them again when he pulled away and I saw the twinkle in his eyes and felt one of his hands rest comfortably just above my hip.

“Night.” He said in a soft whisper while his hand gave my side a gentle and loving squeeze.

“G’night.” I answered in the same soft whisper since my voice was once again lost.

He walked to his bed, always the one closest to the window, and slipped beneath the covers. I stood there just a few seconds longer as my mind processed what had happened before I slipped in my own bed. We shared another smile and whisper of goodnights before I turned around, with my back to him, since I had a weird habit of only being able to sleep when I was facing a wall and because tonight I was sure I’d never be able to fall asleep looking his way, because I would end up just staring at him until the sun announced it was morning again.



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Just a little warning in advance: the next chapter might take a little longer since I don't exactly know what I want to happen yet and since college starts again on Monday. Just so you know.