[ chapter 16 ]

Tears kept making their way down my cheeks, into my hands and down my forearms. My arms itched because of the tears that had dried on their path downwards, but I didn’t scratch. I didn’t care about the itching or the burning of the salt into the grazes. I told myself I didn’t care about anything, but that wasn’t true and I knew that even as I told myself the complete opposite, but it would’ve been so easy not to care. At least I wouldn’t have felt this hurt then. I just wanted it to go away.

“Zac, what are y-?” Cayden stopped in the middle of his sentence as I looked up slowly.

“Are you crying?” He asked softly as he walked closer to me from the side of the stage.

“No.” I said, though I was sure it was pretty obvious that I was, but that didn’t mean I wanted to admit it to him, because I felt pathetic for crying like this and the last thing I wanted was for him to think I was weak or a baby or something equally bad.

He cracked a smile at that. “Come here you dork.” He said and took my hand and pulled me up against him and tightly wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I let out a sob and wrapped my arms tightly around his waist as I pressed my face into his neck.

“What happened?” He asked softly as his hand rubbed the upper part of my back and his lips pressed a soft kiss in my hair.

I wanted to tell him, but I was too choked up to talk and just shook my head against his neck instead, hoping he’d understand that I’d tell him later because I couldn’t right now. He must’ve gotten it, because he didn’t ask again and just held me tightly in his arms as tears quietly rolled down my cheeks and soft sobs escaped my lips which made my body shake with each one. It was weird, because I felt better now he was here, but instead of crying less I felt like I was crying more just because being in his embrace felt so nice and comfortable, which made it so much easier to just let go of my emotions.

He let me cry against his shoulder, which was probably wet with my tears, until I felt like I couldn’t cry anymore and just sobbed without shedding any more tears, until finally the sobs subsided too and I pulled back to wipe the half-dried tears off my cheeks with my unharmed hand. I was sure I looked ridiculous with my puffy and red eyes and a tear struck face, but when I looked at Cayden all I could see in his eyes was a calmness and love that nearly made me want to cry again, because I was so happy and lucky to have him.

“Taylor?” He asked softly as he brought one of his hands to my face to wipe away a tear I had missed.

I nodded as I wrapped my arm back around his waist and rested my temple on the shoulder that was still dry and pressed my face into his neck a little to take in his scent which calmed me even more.

“I think I may have really fucked it up.” I said softly and my voice sounded hoarse because of my crying as I spoke.

“What happened?” He asked as his hand moved to the nape of my neck and stroked over the soft hairs that were growing there.

“I got fed up with him not reacting to me and I followed him in the venue after he stormed out of the bus and I forced him to listen to me. I was so upset and I think I really scared him, because I gripped his arm pretty tightly and smacked him back against the wall, but I needed him to listen to me so badly and.” I sighed.

“I tried to talk to him. To get through to him and to make him say something, but I don’t think he was listening to a word I said. I’m so scared I’m losing him Cay and I –.” A lost sob escaped my lips. “He’s my family. I don’t want to lose him. Or the band. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to get through to him. I really don’t. It seems like he doesn’t even care about the music anymore and if he doesn’t care about that, than. I just. I don’t know anymore.” I felt defeated.

“He does care about the music. It’s his life, just like it is yours.” Cayden said.

I lifted my head from his shoulder and looked at him. “I know he cares, but what if he doesn’t care enough? What if he hates me more than he loves the music?”

“I don’t think he does.”

“It does seem like it.” I said softly. “I just wished he’d say something, you know. I just want to know what I can expect. I mean, I really want it to be all right again, because I don’t know what I’m gonna do if this doesn’t work out, but if he already knows that he’s never going to be okay with it I wished he’d just tell me that already. I can’t keep on going like this.”

“I can tell.” Cayden said and pressed a soft kiss against my cheek. “You look really horrible like this.” He added as he pulled back with a smile lingering on his lips.

“Yeah, well, you really know how to make me feel better too.” I said sarcastically as I rolled my eyes at him and tried to keep a scowl on my face, but a smile soon took over.

“Apparently I do.” He said with a slight smirk.

“Shut up.” I muttered and pulled his waist closer to mine and pressed our lips together. I didn’t care that we were standing in the middle of the stage and that anyone who walked by would be able to see us. All I cared about was Cayden and the incredible way he made me feel. Everything that had worried me slipped to the back of my mind and suddenly nothing except his lips against mine seemed to matter anymore. I really felt as if I was melting into him more and more with each kiss we shared.

His lips were slightly rough, because they were dry, but I didn’t mind a bit. I loved the way they felt against mine and the way he’d nip at my lower lip every once in a while. It felt amazing even though they were still simple kisses. I had liked it this way at first and I still liked it, but unlike before I had also started to wonder what it would be like to take it to the next step. I wanted to know what it would be like to feel his tongue against my own and have that different kind of intimacy, but I didn’t have the guts to take the first step, because I didn’t know how and I didn’t want to look like a fool and Cayden hadn’t tried anything yet either, though I wasn’t sure why, because it wouldn’t be new to him. He was probably waiting for me to make that first move or to let him know it was all right, but I felt too insecure to do anything more than this.

“We should do something tonight. Just the two of us.” He said as his lips released mine after giving my bottom lip a gentle tug with his teeth.

“Like what?” I asked him curiously as I licked my bottom lip to taste some of the nachos he’d been eating.

“I don’t know. Something away from here and Taylor specifically. We should. Go to a club or something.”

“I’m not twenty-one yet.” I reminded him sadly, because it did sound like an amazing plan.

He shrugged. “If they give you any trouble about your ID you just slip them a twenty and it’s fine. Besides, you look old today. They’ll probably let you in without any trouble.”

“I’m not sure if I should be happy about that.” I said, but I couldn’t help to smile.

He smirked. “Deal with it Hanson.”

“Only if I get another kiss.”

Cayden laughed and pressed his lips against mine to meet in another bunch of kisses before we both released our embrace. I didn’t like the sudden loss of contact and slipped my hand in his and laced our fingers together which made his brush against the grazes which in turn made me wince a little, because I had forgotten they were there. He saw my wince and looked down at our hands before bringing them up between our faces to inspect my wounds.

“You didn’t actually hit Taylor, did you?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

“No, the wall.” I said. “But I did imagine it was Taylor’s face.”

He laughed. “I’m proud of you.” He said jokingly and I pulled a face which made him press a quick kiss against my lips again.

Finally, we left the stage and found the rest - minus Taylor - in one of the backstage rooms sprawled out on the couches. Our hands disconnected seconds before they noticed us and looked up shortly before returning their attention to what they’d been doing. Cayden and I both plopped down side by side on the couch that was still empty and watched the movie with them. It was pretty dumb and boring, but it managed to keep my mind off of Taylor, which suited me just fine, although I was worried about where he was and what he could be doing.

I asked Isaac when the movie ended and he informed me that Taylor was on the bus and that they had all decided to leave him alone, because he had looked really pissed. I should’ve expected that, but I still felt my heart drop a bit, because a part of me just didn’t want to accept that Taylor couldn’t accept me. I’m sure Isaac knew Taylor’s mood had something to do with me, but he didn’t ask because Charlie and Jacob were in the room too and I was thankful for it, because I really didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I just wanted to survive the sound check and the gig and then go out with Cayden and forget about everything that was going on for a while.

The thought of going out with Cayden was the only thing that kept me going tonight and also the only thing that kept me from exploding towards Taylor again. He was even worse than he’d been the days before. He wasn’t even trying this time and the show was the absolute worst ever. There was no energy in it, just a lot of annoyance towards each other and the fans noticed it too, because they were unusually quiet, which made me feel even worse because I knew how much some of them looked forward to seeing us and I knew seeing us like this had to be the biggest disappointment ever. I even started to believe it would be better to cancel the rest of the tour than to continue like this, because no one was enjoying it anymore.

By the end of the show I had decided that I really wanted to get drunk despite the promise to myself that I’d never drink that much again, but the inevitable hangover seemed totally worth it right now. Anything that would make me feel better than the way I felt this very minute was fine in my book.

I was the first one to make it to the backstage room and thankfully accepted the bottle of water Jacob offered me. I took a couple of big gulps before I poured the remainder of water over my head to rid myself of the heat. I discarded my shirt and rushed a towel through my hair and over my chest to wipe away the water and sweat. Cayden was looking at me with an amused smile on his face and I had to suppress the urge to throw the towel into his face and grinned at him instead. He looked like he was all ready to go, dressed in some trendy jeans with a simple black shirt that loosely hugged his chest. He had even redone his hair since it was usually a mess by the end of the day. He was looking absolutely gorgeous and I stared at him a good couple of second until Isaac joined us in the room and received his own bottle of water.

I sprayed on some deodorant before I pulled a clean shirt over my head and finished it off by running a hand through my hair. I gave Cayden a small nod to signal I was ready to leave and he nodded back before I turned to walk to the door, but before I could open it a very angry looking Charlie came bursting through it.

“What the hell was that?” He shouted as he slammed the door closed behind him and his finger stayed pointed in the direction of the stage.

I had never seen Charlie this angry and it made a shiver pull through my body. He reminded me a lot of my father when he was mad when I had done something stupid like kicking a ball through the living room window by accident.

“This is not a rhetorical question. I expect an answer to this.” He said angrily when all of us remained silent.

Again he got no response.

“That was the worst performance you guys have ever given! Heck, it sounded like someone put three random guys on stage and told them to fill two hours of time. It didn’t even sound as if it was music. You three have been giving awful performances for more than a week now, but this one really topped them all. I want to know what the hell is going on right now, because this has got to fucking stop. So, spill it. I’m fucking tired of hearing there’s nothing when there’s obviously something going on between the three of you.” He said still fuming as he directed his gaze to me.

“Maybe it’s because it’s none of your business.” I said as I crossed my arms over my chest. I was not in the mood for this.

“It is my fucking business Zachary. I work for you and I’m here to make sure everything’s going smoothly and that’s obviously not the case. I’m sick and tired of putting up with it and I think I’m perfectly entitled to an explanation!”

“Ask Taylor. He’s the one being an idiot.” I told him as I started to get really annoyed. All I wanted was to leave with Cayden and not be bothered with all this bullshit.

“I did and he told me to ask you and Cayden about it before he stormed off. I want an explanation and I want it now!” Charlie said as he looked at me angrily and just as annoyed by the entire situation.

I lowered my arms back to my side and stuffed my hands in the pockets of my jeans as I turned my head to look at Cayden who was looking back at me. We both realized we couldn’t keep us a secret from them any longer and his eyes questioned me whether or not I was going to tell them or if he was. I closed my eyes for a second and took a deep breath before I opened them again and gave him a small nod to indicate that I’d tell them. He gave me a small smile and I could tell he looked nervous too, which strangely made me feel a bit more certain.

“Well.” Charlie asked impatiently while Isaac and Jacob both had their eyes focused on me to see what I was going to say. Jacob looked anxious and curious at the same time, while Isaac only seemed a bit nervous and uncomfortable by the situation.

“I’m gay. Okay?” I said as I looked Charlie directly in the eye, daring him to say something negative about it. I was so fed up with everything and I didn’t want to deal with any more bullshit about it. I couldn’t even care anymore if they thought it was wrong and disgusting, but I was tired of hearing it or being reminded of it by Taylor’s silences.

“You what?” Jacob asked completely surprised from behind me.

I turned to him. “I’m gay.” I repeated softer and less confronting, because I could tell he was really overwhelmed by the news. Jacob shook his head like he didn’t understand and Charlie muttered something that was too soft for me to hear. It wasn’t difficult to tell that they were both shocked and that would probably get worse when I told them that Cayden was gay too and that we’d been together for a while now. I wasn’t really sure how to tell them that, but I knew I had to.

“I. Uhm.” I looked at Cayden for help, but he looked like he had no idea what to say either. He’d already been through all of this once, but this was one of those things that probably never got any easier to deal with, because he looked somewhat scared and nervous too. I knew that this time he needed me to tell them, but I had no idea how, because I felt like I couldn’t just blurt out that he was my boyfriend.

Thankfully Charlie gave me an easy opening. “Tay said to ask you and Cayden. What does he have to do with it?” He asked looking in Cayden’s direction for a second before he looked back at me with a look that almost begged me to tell him it wasn’t what he was thinking; that Cayden was indeed my boyfriend.

“He’s my boyfriend.” I said and I had to keep myself from smiling, because saying it made me feel even more proud to be his, but I also knew that this wasn’t the time to smile about that.

An uncomfortable silence fell between the five of us after I had spoken those words. Silences like these seemed to be inevitably connected to telling people something as big as this and I hated it. It always made me feel like I had to say something, but I never knew what and I had no idea what to do with myself either, because I felt like they were all watching me, even though that wasn’t true, and that they would attack me as soon as I moved even the tiniest bit. I think all of us felt like that, because nobody moved and nobody said anything. It almost seemed as if none of us were breathing either. In a way it seemed to be a silent battle of who would speak or move first; either by strength or weakness.

Jacob was the first to give in by walking out of the room without saying anything and without looking at anyone of us. It broke the tension a little and I finally dared to look at Cayden again who also looked up to look at me. He look kind of upset, though I could tell he was trying to hide it for my sake, but I was completely past the point of caring about what other people thought because I felt like I had lost the most important things already: the music and my brother. All I cared about was Cayden and I really wanted to take his hand in mine or hug him or comfort him some other way, but I couldn’t because Charlie was still in the room and he still hadn’t moved or said anything.

I turned my head to look at Charlie and he looked back at me with a look in his eyes that I didn’t recognize. He opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, but then he closed it again and shook his head slowly in defeat before he turned and left the room too. I sighed softly and turned to Isaac to see how he’d react since all this influenced his life too. He came walking my way and placed his hand on my shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze and he gave me a small smile before he too walked out of the room. His gesture was enough to tell me that things were still okay between us and that he was there for me and that was all I needed to know from him.

“You okay?” I asked as I turned back to Cayden and walked his way, glad to finally be alone with him again.

He shrugged lightly. “I guess.” He said as I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him to me. “I just forgot how hard it was to tell people and watch their reactions.” He said as he wrapped his arms around me.

I pressed my lips against his cheek and then against his lips before I looked into his eyes. “It’ll be okay.”

“That’s my line.” He said and we both smiled, because it was true. Every time I had been worried he’d told me that it would be okay and it would make me feel better even though I had never really believed it. I did believe it now, even though I was losing my brother and the music and maybe two people I had come to see as family while we were on tour, but I had Cayden and right now he mattered more to me than anything else and I knew that the two of us would be okay, because we had each other and to me that was enough right now. At the same time I knew that I would have to deal with everything that was happening eventually and I knew that it would be hard, but I couldn’t be worried about it right now. Tonight it was just us and all the rest didn’t matter.