[ chapter 19 ]

My head was pounding as I woke up. It felt like one of those headaches you got from drinking too little or from spending too much time in a room that was too hot and crowded, but I had the feeling that this headache wouldn’t disappear by drinking some water or getting some fresh air, but it was okay, because last night had been absolutely worth it. I had never felt anything like it. Of course I’d gotten myself off, but it couldn’t begin to compare to the things I had felt last night with Cayden.

I was pretty sure that he was still soundly asleep, because I could feel his steady breathing against my skin. His warm body was spooned against mine, with his chest pressed closely to my back and with his lips just inches away from my neck. His arm was wrapped tightly around my waist to hold me close to him and it felt incredibly comfortable. It was almost as if we slept like this every other night too, which was something I really wouldn’t mind getting used to.

It wasn’t much later that I felt his body move against mine a little as he started to wake up. His lips pressed a soft kiss in my neck and I smiled as I trailed my fingers over his arm lazily to let him know I was awake too.

“Hung-over?” He asked sleepily as he pressed a second kiss to my skin.

I groaned slightly in reply. “Just my head, I think. I’m not ready to move and try out how my stomach is feeling yet.”

He laughed and his breath tickled my skin, which sent pleasant tingles down my spine. “Do you remember what happened last night?” He asked softly and it almost sounded as if he was a bit worried and nervous about my answer.

Despite my previous statement I shifted onto my back and then onto my other side so I could look at him properly and I was relieved when my stomach didn’t turn too badly. “Yeah, I remember.” I answered him.

“It was okay right?” He asked now clearly nervous. “I mean, it wasn’t just the alcohol or anything, because I didn’t want t-.” I cut him off with my lips and brought my hand to his cheek and rubbed my thumb over the soft skin just below his cheekbone.

“It was definitely okay.” I said as I released his lips and a smile crossed my face as I thought back about it.

“Okay.” He said before he kissed me softly once again. “I guess I just got worried about it. After you fell asleep. I mean, we hadn’t really talked about it and I wasn’t sure if it was okay. You know. If you were ready for it and stuff, because it’s like a big step, kinda. I dunno.” He said and looked down at the sheets between us, which we were still lying on top of. I smiled because he was so incredibly cute when he got shy and kind of nervous like that and I loved that he actually considered how I was feeling about all this. Any other guy wouldn’t have given it a second thought, but my guy did. It felt good to know that I could talk to him about things like this.

I moved my hand away from his cheek and to his side which I gave a gentle squeeze so he’d look up at me again. “I guess it is a kind of big step and it wasn’t something I had really thought about yet, though I’ve been wanting to kiss you like that for a while.” I admitted as a small blush crept up my cheeks and a smile formed on his lips in amusement. “And I guess the alcohol did have something to do with what else happened, because I don’t think it would’ve really happened without it yet, but I wanted what happened last night and I don’t regret it and I’d definitely do it again.” I told him and it was true. I’d do all of it again without giving it a second thought.

“Yeah?” He asked with a twinkle in his eyes as a somewhat mischievous smile appeared on his face.

I laughed and then pressed my lips to his shortly. “Yes.” I confirmed.

“Good.” He said and pressed a soft kiss against my lips. “So, do you want to shower first?”

I shook my head, which I shouldn’t have done, because the headache immediately seemed to worsen. “No, you go. I don’t think I’m ready to get up just yet.”

“You’re going to have to get up eventually.”

“Don’t remind me.” I said with a groan as he got up from the bed. It immediately felt colder without him besides me and I shivered a little.

“You know, we have absolutely no clean clothes here.” Cayden observed as he looked through the room and I realized that we indeed didn’t have any other clothes than the ones we had been wearing, because our bags were still on the bus. We shared a look and I was sure that he was thinking the same thing I was thinking; that there was no way we could keep on wearing the boxers we were currently wearing and that going commando really wasn’t our style, but it seemed like we had no other option for now. We should’ve checked in and dumped our bags before we’d gone out to get drunk.

He shrugged helplessly and moved around the bed to pick up his discarded jeans and shirt and he hesitated a little before he picked up something else. The letter. I had forgotten about it. I don’t know how, but I had and now that I saw it again I felt a wave of nerves crash over me which didn’t settle well with my stomach.

He walked back to the bed and held it out so I could take it and I did so hesitantly.

“Do you want me to stay with you when you read it?” He asked.

“No, I’ll be okay.” I said and I gave him, what I hoped was, a reassuring smile. He nodded and gave me an encouraging smile in return before he disappeared into the bathroom.

I slowly turned the letter in my hand so I held it the right way up. My name was written in large letters which made it seem as if the letter was begging to be read, but that wasn’t that easy for me to do. This letter contained my future. It was the answer to the question I had asked him, I was sure of that, and I was scared of reading it. I didn’t want to know if it meant that the life I’d known was over. I didn’t want to know if this letter meant that there’d be no more music and more importantly; no more Taylor. He was my brother and one of my best friends. I didn’t want to lose him and I didn’t know what I would do if I did. I didn’t want to know, but still my hands moved to unfold the letter and I knew that it was all or nothing now.

Zac,

I feel weird writing you this letter, but I don’t know how else to tell you this. There are so many things I want to say and I don’t know how to tell you all of it in person, because if I tried I’d probably forget to say over half the things I want to say and it’s important for me to tell you all of it. Truth is, I don’t think I could say any of these things to you personally, because I’m not sure if I could handle your reaction to it. I’m not even sure how to face you again after you read this later, but I know that this is something I have to do and I hope you can forgive me for telling you all of this so impersonally.

You were right when you said that ignoring it and running away from it isn’t the solution. I already knew that, but it was the easiest thing for me to do. It always has been and maybe it always will be. I simply didn’t want to think about it and every time it did happen to cross my mind I pushed it away. I pushed you away, because seeing you made me think about it and I didn’t want that. Ignoring you made ignoring the entire situation so much easier. A part of me even hoped that if I ignored this long enough that it would simply disappear, but I know it won’t.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about everything since the minute you confronted me about it and part of me hates you for making me think about it, but the other part is mostly mad at myself, because I’m the one that got you so worked up. I know you need to know what’s going to happen from here on and that’s why I’m writing you this letter now.

You know that I was really upset about it when you told us you were gay. I didn’t know how to act around you any longer. I felt like I didn’t know you anymore or like I’d never known you in the first place even though I had always considered us to be best friends. I couldn’t understand how you could’ve kept something like this from us. We honestly had no idea. Sure, we thought it was weird that you’d never been with a girl and that you and Kelsey have always been just best friends and nothing more. We thought up a great number of reasons of why you weren’t as interested in girls as we were when we were your age. We figured that maybe you just hadn’t found the right girl yet, that you had trouble trusting new people and letting them into your life because of the fame and we even though that all of the screaming girls had freaked you out, but being gay was the one thing that never crossed our minds, or mine at least.

You threw something at me totally unexpected and I didn’t know how to handle it, because it wasn’t something I had ever really thought of. We’ve always been taught how wrong being gay is and that’s something I just accepted, because it doesn’t feel right to me either. We never had to deal with any gay people around us and it was just fine that way. Gay is wrong. To me it was as simple as that and then you came out and suddenly it wasn’t as simple anymore. Suddenly I had to really start thinking about being gay and as stupid as it seems, the only thing that really crossed my mind other than the fact that it was so wrong, were all the stereotypes, the same ones they often labeled me with. But you’re not like me. You’re so different. You’re the complete opposite of every gay-stereotype I’ve ever heard of and it didn’t match up in my head. Either you weren’t gay or you weren’t acting like your true self.

You know some of this already, because we talked about it on the way to the airport. I know and believe that you’re not acting any different for the sake of pretense like I had thought you were, but I guess that still left me to believe that maybe you weren’t gay after all. That maybe you were just confused and that it was just a stupid phase you were going through and that in time it would blow over and you’d find a girl and be happy with her. I told myself that and I believed it and things between us got normal again, because I was doing what I do best: I was ignoring what you told me. I made up a story of my own so I wouldn’t have to think about you being gay and it worked; until you told us about Cayden. I could no longer pretend then, because you being with a guy made it real. Up until that point I had told myself as long as he doesn’t get involved with a guy it means he’s not lost yet.

But there was a guy, Cayden of all people. I know he wasn’t the same to you as Charlie or Jacob or Kent even, but he wasn’t the same to Isaac and I either. He was more of a friend and a roadie on the side than the other way around, because he’s so close to our age and he’s easy to talk to and hang out with and laugh with. He was a friend and then suddenly he was your boyfriend. Everything just fell apart for me then, because it was real and I couldn’t deny it to myself any longer, though I tried by telling myself that you didn’t know what love is supposed to feel like and that you were just confusing your friendship with Cayden as something more, but you shook me right out of that dream today.

You were right again when you said I had to know what it feels like, because I do. I recognized ever bit of what you said about how you feel when Cayden’s around and about what he does to you when he touches you. I know, because I feel the exact same things with Crystal. You do know what love feels like and it scares me more than anything that you can feel these things for a guy.

I think that today I finally realized that you really are gay and that there are no more excuses left for me to turn to. I´ve been thinking about that all day and most of the night now too. I can´t even remember a thing about the concert, because all I was thinking about was you and the fact that you’re gay. I wished I could be more like Isaac and just be okay with it because you’re my brother, but I’m not him and I can’t just be okay with it. I’ve thought it was wrong for so long and I can’t just change that because you happen to be gay. I’m going to need time.

I don’t want you out of my life and it hurts me to know that I’ve caused you to think about that. You’re still my brother and you’re incredibly important to me and I hope you know that even though I haven’t been showing it lately. It’s just a lot for me to deal with and I’m not good at that at all, but I’m going to try my hardest, because I love you and I want things between us to be okay again too. You’re my brother and I want you to be happy and if Cayden or some other guy is the one to make you happy then I’ll accept that eventually.

I hope you can give me the time and space I need to deal with this like you said you would, because I can’t just go back to how things were so easily, even though I wish I could. I know you’re still the same guy you’ve always been, but it’s still different to me, because there’s also a side of you I know nothing about and right now I’m just not ready to get to know that side of you yet. I need to deal with all the things I’ve been ignoring for months and come to terms with them, before I can start any of that. I hope you can understand that.

In the meantime I hope you know that I still love you and that you’re my brother and one of my best friends, no matter what. I wouldn’t go through this for just anyone.

Love Taylor.

It felt like I had been holding my breath until the very last line and I exhaled slowly once the last words had registered in my head. It was going to be okay. Not right away, but it would be okay eventually and that was so much more than I’d hoped for. When I’d seen the letter I’d been so sure that it was a bearer of bad news and that feeling had only grown after I’d read the first paragraph. But it was going to be okay. I wasn’t going to lose my brother or the band. It was going to be okay. That was all I could think as I read the letter again. It was going to be okay.

He was willing to change his mind on something he’d always been against and I knew that wasn’t an easy thing to do, but he was willing to do it for me and I was going to give him all the time and space he needed to do that. I could handle it if he still ignored me for a while or act weird around me, because I knew now that it would be okay in the end. I’d do anything to make it easier on him, because that was the least I could do for him.

“Zac?” Cayden’s voice questioned softly, but I was still startled by it, because I hadn’t heard him come back into the room.

“It’s gonna be okay.” I told him and I could see a look of relief cross his face as he sat down on the edge of the bed with his body and face turned towards me. I sat up slowly to which my stomach protested and held the letter out to him. “You should read it too.” I told him.

He shook his head. “It’s your letter. He wrote it for you.”

“I know, but he’s your friend too and I think you should read it. It’ll help you understand where he’s coming from. I’m sure he won’t mind if you read it too.” I said as I still held the letter out to him.

He nodded slowly and took the letter from me. I kissed him on the lips before I slowly made my way off the bed. My head started to pound worse as I stood up and I pressed my palms to my temples to try and push the pain away, which didn’t really work, so I just slowly walked around the bed to pick up my own clothes before I stumbled towards the bathroom in the hope a warm shower would lessen the pounding. At least I didn’t feel as if I was actually going to throw up, though I did feel a bit nauseous.

The shower was nice and warm and I let the water run down my back as I rested my head against the cool tiles on the wall. My head felt a lot better that way and I stood beneath the warm spray until it ran out of warm water. I grabbed a towel and dried myself off slowly before I slipped back into my shirt which smelled like smoke, which I hated, but it would have to do for now. Next were my jeans which felt incredibly uncomfortable without underwear. I was definitely not going to make a habit out of this.

I walked out the bathroom after I’d put on my socks and shifted somewhat uncomfortably in my jeans as I walked towards the bed Cayden was seated on as he watched TV. I sat down beside him and shifted again until it felt comfortable enough.

“God bless underwear huh?” He asked with a grin as he watched me shift.

“Definitely.” I said and took a glance at the screen to see what he was watching.

“Thanks for letting me read the letter. He’s a lot more complicated than he seems.” Cayden said as he looked at me.

“Tell me about.” I said with a soft sigh. “I don’t think anybody fully understand him. I don’t even think he understands himself sometimes.”

Cayden laughed. “But who does? At least he’s willing to accept it.”

“Yeah.” I said and felt another wave of relief wash over me.

Cayden turned back to the TV and I lowered myself back into a lying position on the bed, because lying down simply felt better for my head than sitting up. But despite the headache I felt really good, because I didn’t have to worry about the situation anymore. It was going to be okay and that was more than I had dared to hope for.