[ chapter 20 ]

Our half an hour of peace and quiet was suddenly disturbed by a rap of knuckles on our door. It made me groan quietly, because I wasn’t quite ready to face everyone yet. I mean, everything was finally sort of okay between Taylor and I, but I was sure that it would still be weird to be around him and things definitely wouldn’t be any better with Charlie or Jacob. I had no idea what they were thinking about all of this, but I had the feeling their thoughts wouldn’t be very positive and me and my head weren’t in the mood for an argument today.

Cayden was reluctant to get up too and he only slowly made his way to the door. He hadn’t said anything, but I knew that he was anxious about all of this too. Charlie and Jacob had become his friends too and I was sure he was as scared of their reactions as I was.

“Hey.” I heard Charlie say as Cayden opened the door.

“Hey.” Cayden replied.

“Can I come in?”

Cayden must’ve nodded, because Charlie appeared in my view a couple of seconds later and I pushed myself into a sitting position under protest of my head and stomach. I greeted Charlie while Cayden reclaimed his position on the bed next to me where he turned off the TV with the remote control. Charlie, who probably felt uncomfortable being the only one still standing, sat down on the small wooden chair that stood aside of the cabinet with the TV on top. He avoided our gazes for a moment by staring out the window, which only showed many more buildings, before he turned to us and sighed softly.

“I’m sorry about walking out like that last night.” He started and then turned his gaze to the carpet to make talking easier. “I guess I should’ve said something,” Charlie continued, “but I didn’t really have anything to say, I guess. It’s just.” He sighed. “I guess a part of me already knew. Even before Cayden came along. You never had the interest in girls that your brothers had and that’s not exactly normal for any teenage kid. I guess there could’ve been a lot of other reasons for that with being famous and all, so I didn’t really think too much about it. Not until Cayden came along anyway.” He said and looked up at us shortly, before he looked back to the carpet. I looked at Cayden, who also turned to look at me, and I had to suppress the urge to grab his hand for comfort. We still had no idea where this talk was going, but so far it didn’t seem too bad. At least he was talking to us.

“I always thought you two were close. More so than normal friends. And that there were looks between the two of you that were just meant for each other, but I figured it was just my imagination that made me look for something to confirm my suspicions. But I guess it wasn’t my imagination after all.” He smiled sadly. “You really seem happier since Cayden’s been around.” He said and finally looked up at me.

I smiled. “I am.” I told him and I was, the whole Taylor scenario aside.

He nodded. “It’s weird, you know. Knowing that the two of you.” He left the sentence unfinished, but we both understood what he had meant to say. “It’s okay though. I mean, if you both think this is right for you, then I’ll respect that, but you’re probably going to have to give me some time to get used to it completely. Suspecting it, knowing it and seeing it are still three very different things.”

I nodded understandingly. “Thank you.” I told him, to which he gave me a small smile. It was still hard on him.

“And Jacob?” Cayden asked quietly.

Charlie shook his head. “He’s not okay with it. Maybe he just needs time to get used to it, because you really caught him of guard with this, but you know he’s the most religious of us all so I wouldn’t expect too much from him.”

Cayden nodded and I sighed softly. I hated the idea of losing a friend, but I guess I would just have to respect his decision, whatever it would be.

“And Taylor?” Charlie asked. “Do you think it would help if I talked to him, because you two can’t keep on going like this.”

“Taylor and I will be okay. I guess you could say we already sorted out some things since last night, or at least he did. It’s going to take some time, but I think it will be better now.” I answered.

“Okay, good, because that was really getting out of hand.” He said, speaking as our friend and manager.

“I know.”

He nodded and got up. “I’m gonna see if Tay and Ike are ready yet. Will you guys be down for breakfast too?”

I groaned at the mention of breakfast and Cayden laughed quietly before he ensured Charlie that we’d be there. He gave us a strange look, but accepted the answer and left our room to check on my brothers.

“Breakfast?” I asked as I turned to Cayden with an incredulous look on my face.

“Breakfast.” He said with a nod. “Trust me, you’ll feel worse if you don’t eat anything.”

I sighed softly, because the thought of eating wasn’t very appealing at all, but he was probably right. I had to eat something sooner or later anyway and I could probably stomach some toast or something similarly light-weighted and fat-free. But by the time we reached the restaurant I had second thoughts on stomaching anything. Getting up from the bed, walking, riding the elevator and the smell of all sorts of food had set my stomach turning again and I felt more like throwing up then keeping anything down. Cayden shot me a worried look and I gave him a faint smile as I lowered myself in a seat on the table we were pointed to by one of the waiters. I rested my head in my hands and took a few deep breaths which helped, a little.

By the time Charlie, Isaac and Taylor walked in my stomach had calmed a bit again and I was thankful for that. They settled in the seats opposite to us with a good morning, though Taylor didn’t look at us and I wasn’t sure whether that was because he felt uncomfortable after the letter or if he just wasn’t ready for it yet. I was hoping for the former.

“Tay?” I asked softly and I was thankful when he looked up at me from underneath his lashes. “Thanks for the letter.” I told him and gave him a small smile that I hoped would show him that I wasn’t upset over any of the things he had said in it.

He nodded and managed a small smile in return before he looked away again. It wasn’t much, but it was already a thousand times better than the constant ignoring. It was a start and hopefully it would only get better from here on, because it was uncomfortable right now. Everyone was quiet by a lack of anything to say and I think everyone was relieved when a waiter came to take our orders for breakfast, because it broke the silence for a while.

Everyone ordered a normal breakfast and I got three strange looks when I only ordered some tea and toast.

“I’m hung-over.” I mumbled somewhat embarrassed as the waiter left with our orders. Taylor and Charlie gave me a surprised look and Isaac sighed disapprovingly, but thankfully he saved me his speech about responsibilities and whatnot. I already knew I wasn’t supposed to be drinking and that it wasn’t a good way of dealing with my troubles and I really didn’t need him to remind me of that. It wasn’t like I was going to make a habit out of it. It was just a one-time thing, that both Cayden and I had needed. It wasn’t even about getting drunk, just about getting away from everything for one night by going out and having fun. Getting drunk had just kind of happened after those shots. I regretted those now though.

Our food soon came and I had to force myself to eat. It didn’t really make me feel better, but it didn’t make me feel any worse either, so I kept popping bits of toast in my mouth until everyone else was done eating. I hadn’t finished everything, but already more than I had thought I would, so I was pleased. Especially since I had managed to convince them to let me sit out the two interviews we had today. They were only radio anyway, so it wasn’t that big of deal. They could just say I felt like I was coming down with something so that it was better for me to take some rest, which wasn’t even a complete lie since I did feel pretty miserable. Thankfully Charlie supplied me with some aspirin for my headache before he left for the interview with Taylor and Isaac.

Cayden and I made our way back up to our room where I downed the two aspirins before I collapsed back on our bed with a heavy sigh. Cayden laughed quietly before he lay down beside me and flicked the TV back on with the sound muted for my sake. I mumbled a thanks and rolled on my side and a little more towards him, so my face was resting against his shoulder. It was extremely comfortable and I could feel my eyelids droop and after a while I stopped trying to keep them open completely, because it was a losing fight anyway.

When I woke the space beside me was empty and cold and I wondered where he was as I sat up. I was relieved to find that my head and stomach already felt a lot better, but Cayden wasn’t in the room and I had the feeling he wasn’t taking a quick bathroom break either, because the TV was turned off completely. I got up from the bed to walk to the bathroom and check whether or not he was there, but a note on the cabinet caught my attention before I had even taken two full steps. I walked to it and picked it up. It was from Cayden, obviously, saying he was grabbing some lunch and that I could meet him down there in case I woke up and was hungry too, which I wasn’t. I shortly debated to go down anyway to keep him company, but the thought of the smell of food turned me off and I decided to wait until he came back. I wanted to call Kelsey anyway and I felt more comfortable doing that when Cayden wasn’t around.

I sat back down on the bed and fished my phone from my pocket and quickly dialed the number I knew by heart. She picked up almost immediately.

“Hey stranger!” She said.

“It hasn’t been that long since I called, has it?” I asked as I tried to think of when the last time was. With everything that had been happening it sure did feel like ages ago. I couldn’t even believe that my whole blow up at Taylor had only been yesterday.

She laughed. “It is when you have to ask me that.”

I couldn’t help smiling. “A lot has happened since last time.” I told her.

“Yeah?” She asked a little worried. “You do sound a little strange.”

“Uh yeah, I’m a little hung-over.” I admitted for the second time today.

“Seriously? I thought you’d sworn never to drink that much again.” She said.

“Yeah, well, like I said, a lot happened since then.”

“Tell me.” She insisted, which she didn’t even have to do, because she knew I’d tell her anyway.

I caught her up on all that had happened from the moment I had pretty much smacked Taylor against the wall and poured everything I was feeling out to him. I told her about the lousy concert and Charlie and Jacob finding out; about me and Cayden going out and me getting slapped by a girl (to which she cracked up, of course); about the heavy make out session with Cayden; about the letter and finally about the conversation we’d had with Charlie just a couple of hours ago.

“No wonder it felt forever ago since we talked.” She said as I finished talking.

“Yeah.” I agreed.

“Well, at least most of it is positive. You know, aside of the hang-over and Jacob, although that may still turn out fine.”

“Yeah, maybe, I don’t know. At least things with Taylor will be better. That’s what most important. It would suck to lose Jacob, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world.”

“True.” She said. “But it’s still a lousy situation.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s going to stay for a while. I still have to tell my parents too. Can you imagine how badly they’re going to freak out over this?”

“Honestly, I’d rather not think of that.”

I laughed softly. Only Kelsey would dare to give me an honest answer like that. “Me neither.”

“Let’s worry about that when we need to, okay. I suppose you’re not telling them anytime soon?”

“No, definitely not. I at least want to wait until we’re back home. This is not something to tell by phone or anything.”

She laughed. “Yeah picture that. Just when you’re about to hang up; I love you too mom, and oh, by the way I’m gay. Okay, goodbye now.”

“Actually, that’s not such a bad idea.” I said seriously. “At least I won’t have to hear her yell at me or burst out in tears or whatever.”

“Zac!” She called out. “You can’t do that.”

I sighed. “I know. And I won’t. But it would’ve been easy.”

“Yeah, right until you had to meet them face to face again at whatever occasion.”

I groaned, because of course she was right and I hadn’t thought of that yet. “Fine, spoil the perfect image.” I said dramatically.

“That’s what I’m here for.” She said sickeningly sweet.

“Right. So, talking of picture perfects, how are things with you and Riley?”

“Amazing!” She said and started off in her own catch-up of events and I smiled as I listened to her. Everything between them seemed to be going smoothly, even the whole meeting-the-parents part, and I was thankful for that. Kelsey deserved a great guy and it looked like she’d found one. He really made her happy. I could hear it in her voice whenever she talked about him and even when she’d just spend time with him before I called. I couldn’t blame her. He sounded like someone I could easily be friends with and, honestly, he was quite attractive. Kelsey had finally e-mailed me a couple of pictures and I had to agree with her that he looked cute. He wasn’t my type, but I could definitely see why Kelsey was attracted to him. He had really pretty green eyes and hair that was probably most comparable to Taylor’s, though it was a darker shade of blonde and a bit more wavy, up to the point where it was just one step away from curly, but it suited him. He had a nicely defined jaw-line and from what Kelsey had told me I knew that his body-type was quite a lot like Cayden’s. Not too skinny or chubby, but not too muscled either; just right, like we apparently both liked it. I had definitely approved of her choice of guy, and so had Cayden when I’d showed him the pictures. Of course I had sent her a couple pictures of Cayden in return and she’d approved too and I was happy about that, because her opinion really did matter to me. She was my best friend after all.

After our catch-ups and some random small talk we forcefully said our goodbyes because she was starting to run late for work and when I hung up my screen showed me that we’d been talking for nearly fifty minutes, which was a long time, even for us. Cayden still wasn’t back though and I started to wonder how much food he’d ordered for lunch or what else it could be that was keeping him so long. Instead of calling him I decided to go down and look for him first since I could use a little something to eat anyway.

I took the elevator down and walked through the restaurant, but didn’t see him sitting anywhere. I did see Jacob at a table in the corner, but he made a point by looking away as soon as he saw me too and I decided it was probably better to leave him alone for now. Instead I bought a large chocolate chip cookie, because it seemed the most eatable of the snacks they had, and made my way back out of the restaurant fully intending on calling Cayden when I saw a little sign that pointed towards the arcade hall the hotel apparently had. If Cayden was there it was very likely that he had completely lost track of time.

Sure enough, he was there playing some racing game with an extremely focused face that showed just the littlest bit of a smile which told me he was winning. I quietly walked up behind him so I wouldn’t disturb him and watched him as he finished the game while I nibbled at my cookie. He won, as I had suspected and I grinned as he raised a fist in the air in triumph. He must’ve thought he was still the only one in the arcade hall, because aside of the two of us it was abandoned.

“Nice lunch you’re having.” I said with the grin still on my face.

He spun around startled at the sound of my voice and then smiled guiltily as I settled in the race-seat next to his. “I guess I got distracted a little on my way back up.”

“A little?” I asked with a laugh. “I’ve been talking to Kelsey for nearly an hour and who knows how long you were already down here before I woke up.”

He stole a glance in the direction of his watch and I could see his eyes widen slightly, which told me that he had indeed lost track of time. “Also an hour.” He admitted bashfully.

It brought a smile to my lips, because he seemed to feel really guilty about it and, quite frankly, he looked adorably like that. It really made me want to kiss him and since we were all alone, I did. He seemed surprised by it, because, abandoned or not, this was a public place and we’d never allowed ourselves any other contact then the brushing of hands or arms outside the confinements of a hotel room or the bus if we happened to catch a moment alone there. But he seemed to remember that the hall was abandoned and the kiss lasted several seconds before it ended.

“What was that for?” He asked smiling.

I shrugged. “Just because.” I told him lamely and kissed him again. He didn’t seem to have anything to say against my lame reason and he kissed me back once again until we both started to get a little worried about someone walking in on us. We reluctantly pulled back and decided it was a better idea to get back up to our room since I didn’t really feel up to playing any games today anyway, because my head was already spinning enough on its own, although I started to doubt whether that was from the hang-over or the kiss.

Once back in our room we settled comfortably close on the bed, enjoying the sudden day of rest and being with each other like this. I really felt relaxed. Even my mind was calm for the first time in over a week, although the thought of Jacob was lingering somewhere, but I easily pushed that to the back of my mind. I guess it was easier to accept that I might lose him as a friend now that I knew I wouldn’t lose my brother. I could always make new friends, but I couldn’t pick a new brother or band mate. And unlike my brother, Jacob was someone who did deal with his problems and I was sure he had thought of little else all day, or night if the tired expression on his face had been any indication. I was sure that he would come to us when he was ready for it. The only thing I felt bad about was putting him and everyone else around me in the position of having to struggle with this. It shouldn’t have to be this hard, on any of us.