[ chapter 22 ]

Minutes must’ve passed before Cayden’s lips on mine brought me back to reality and I opened my eyes to look in his smiling face. A lazy smile crossed my own face and he pressed another soft kiss on my lips, to which I responded this time, before he gently brushed a strand of hair from my sweaty forehead.

“You okay?” He asked softly as his hand ran down my cheek and found its resting place on my chest, where my breathing was still heavier than it was normally. I didn’t even try to speak right then, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to, so I nodded instead. He smiled at that and his lips moved back to mine for a series of slow kisses that didn’t deepen until I sucked his bottom lip between mine and ran my tongue along it. He accepted my tongue in his warm mouth and his body pressed a little closer against mine as he rolled a bit more onto his side next to me. I could feel his erection press against the side of my leg and I knew it had to be driving him crazy.

I gently pushed him back on his back and rolled myself on top of him, though my arms felt a lot weaker than they had before. My lips were still firmly attached to his as I moved my hand down his chest and teased his nipple like he had teased mine, just to get back at him, before I moved my hand down to his stomach. This time it was him who sucked in a breath and I smiled against his lips. His reaction was exactly the kind of encouragement I needed and I moved my hand over his boxer-clad erection a little braver than I initially felt, although his moan ensured me that what I was doing felt good to him.

I rubbed him through the fabric a moment longer before I pulled my hand away again, which caused him to groan in frustration. I was tempted to tease him more, but I decided against it, because he hadn’t teased me either and he’d probably been this hard for quite some time and I had the feeling he had to be dying to get off right about now.

My hand moved back to his stomach and from there slid lower until my fingertips moved beneath his boxers with every intention of returning part of the favor, because I knew I wasn’t quite ready to return all of it. But to my completely surprise he stopped me by placing his hand on top of mine, keeping it from moving down further. I let go of his lips and looked at him with a small frown on my face.

“You don’t have to.” He told me gently.

“I want to.” I told him, though I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t nervous about it. I’d never touched another guy like that and I wasn’t exactly sure how to, because I was pretty sure it wouldn’t be quite the same as touching myself that way, but I wanted to nevertheless.

“You sure? Because we can just go to sleep if you want to.”

I shook my head at his last statement and pressed my lips to his. “I want to.” I told him again, hoping he could hear I was serious about this. Just the simple fact that he really meant that he didn’t need me to, made me want to please him even more than I already had before.

This time he nodded and his hand left mine. I moved my hands so I could pull his boxers down and he helped me by lifting his hips off the bed. I felt a small blush creep up my cheeks as I looked down at his rock-hard member. If I was beautiful than he was definitely gorgeous. He was slightly bigger than I was, but I was probably thicker and it kind of made sense considering he was the taller one out of the two of us and I was the more chubby one. Either way, he was gorgeous and hard and his tip was leaking a bit of pre-cum and I licked my lips in approval before I pressed them back against his.

He moaned against my lips as my fingers slowly wrapped around the base of his cock until he was fully inside my hand. His skin was burning and throbbing against mine and I only hoped I could make him feel as good as he had made me feel.

I moved my fist up his length and ran my thumb over his head in a slow circle which made his hips buck slightly towards my hand. The pre-cum leaking from his tip made it easier to move my fist back down, which I did, before slowly moving it back up and running my thumb over his head again, which caused him to moan this time. I let my hand move back down and squeezed him just a little harder inside my fist and he seemed to like it because he grunted against my lips.

I worked my fist up and down like that for a while and I could feel his breathing getting heavier against my lips as our kiss grew sloppier. Eventually I pulled away and just watched him as he lay there with his lips parted slightly by the low moan that was leaving his throat and with his eyes fallen shut in pleasure. My heart stopped beating for just a moment as I took in the beautiful sight that was my boyfriend and I was reminded of how lucky I was that I was the one allowed to make him feel this way.

His fingers dug into my side as I let the tip of my fingers caress his balls for just a second before I moved my fist back up his length to tease his tip again, which I had purposely ignored for a while. I circled his head with my thumb, barely using any pressure, before running it over his slit which caused his hips to buck and a moan to leave his mouth. His eyes opened for only a second, but it was long enough for me to see the lust that was clouding them. I knew he was close and I repositioned myself so I could bring my other hand to his cock too. I wrapped it around his shaft and worked up and down the length as my thumb continued its assault on his head.

“Oh God.” Cayden cried out in a low moan and his body jerked beneath mine as he released onto my hands. His body was shaking with the strength of his orgasm and I didn’t stop the movement of my hands until his body relaxed again. He took in a deep breath and opened his eyes which almost immediately found mine. “Oh my God.” He repeated somewhat breathlessly and I couldn’t help laughing softly as I wiped my hands on a part of the sheets I didn’t think we’d need.

“Was that okay?” I asked stupidly, because I really didn’t need to ask that.

It was his turn to laugh quietly and he pulled me back against him and crushed our lips together. My hands tangled into his hair and his wrapped securely around my lower back. “That was amazing.” He said, letting go of my lips just long enough to speak, before he kissed me again. I sighed happily against his lips and kissed him back, wrapped safely in his embrace, until we both started to shiver by the cold in the room that we had forgotten about until then.

We fished out boxers from the floor and slipped them back on before we crawled beneath the sheet and back in each other’s arms, because there was no way we’d fit into a single bed otherwise, but neither of us was complaining about that.

Sleep almost immediately started to take over my body and my eyes fell closed quickly. The last thing I remember before falling asleep completely were Cayden’s lips against my forehead, followed by a soft whisper of words; “happy birthday.”


The curtains barely helped to keep any of the sunlight outside the room and I awoke to the light shining pleasantly on my face. It was nice and warm in the bed and a smile of pure happiness crept onto my face as I buried my face into Cayden’s neck a little more and took in his sweet scent. He was still soundly asleep within my arms, snoring softly to prove it, and I couldn’t resist placing a kiss against his warm skin. I was too awake to go back to sleep again, but I didn’t mind because I was completely happy just lying there with him wrapped up in my arms. It was one of those perfectly peaceful moments that you wanted to capture and flee back to whenever things went bad. This was how it should be like and feel like all the time.

About half an hour later Cayden stirred in my embrace and he slowly started to wake up. He turned from his side to his back and stretched with a yawn that made me smile even more. His eyes cracked open and they sparkled as he saw me. He turned further onto his other side and nestled himself back into my embrace and touched our noses together, before he kissed mine softly.

“Morning.” He said happily.

“Morning.” I replied with a smile that was going to be hard to wipe off my face for the rest of the day.

He smiled too and for a moment we just lay there staring goofily into each other’s eyes, until he decided the goofiness had lasted long enough and pressed his lips against mine for a soft kiss.

“You know, we’re going to be in Minneapolis next week.” He stated softly.

“Yeah?” I replied almost questionably, because I generally had no idea where we were going next until we were actually there.

He smiled. “Yeah. And I really want to go and see my parents while we’re there, because it’s been a while since I’ve last seen them.” He said to which I nodded understandably. “And I’d really like for you to meet them too.” He added softly, because he seemed unsure of how I’d react to it and when he finished his sentence I really didn’t know how to react to it either.

“That’s kinda big.” I told him quietly. The thought of it alone was enough to make me feel nervous and I was sure that he could see it, because he took my hand in his and squeezed it softly.

“I know.” He said. “And I’ll understand if you don’t want to yet. I know this is your first time going through all of this and I know it’s scary as hell and that it’s probably kind of weird considering your parents don’t even know yet, but will you just think about it? I don’t need an answer right now, I just want you to think about it and if you decided that you’re not ready for it yet than that’s fine by me too, okay?” He asked.

I nodded, because I still didn’t really know what to say to all of this and I could at least think about it. In a way it kind of made sense for me to meet his parents, because we had been together for over a month now and we were really serious about each other, so it was probably a logical step for me to meet them. And it wasn’t like they weren’t at least somewhat used to Cayden bringing home a guy, so it would be nothing new to them, but it would be for me. It would probably be weird and awkward and what if they didn’t like me for whatever silly reason and thought I wasn’t good enough to be with their son? I wouldn’t particularly be surprised if that would be what they were going to think, because I often wondered why I had deserved Cayden in the first place. He was amazing and I was, well, I was just me. I know that there had to be something out me that Cayden liked, but that didn’t mean his parents would too.

“What if they don’t like me?” I asked worriedly as I looked up at him nervously.

“Don’t worry about that. They will like you.” He said and he sounded very convinced of it.

“But what if they don’t?” I asked, because I couldn’t help doubting.

“They will. They know how happy I am with you and they will like you just because of that. But even then, you’re an incredible person Zac and it’s kind of hard not to like you, you know. You’re sweet and caring and funny and you’re easy to be around. They’ll love you, trust me. In fact, I think they already do after everything I told them about you.”

I felt a little more at ease then, and I was definitely flattered (and slightly flustered) by the things he’d said, but I still didn’t fully believe him and I was sure he could see that in my eyes. “Hearing about me, meeting me and actually getting to know me are still different things. You’re all biased when you talk about me! It barely counts.” I argued, to which he only grinned, which kind of frustrated me. “What if I do or say something stupid?” I asked, genuinely worried about that, because I was known to do that stuff, even though it happened less frequently than a couple of years ago.

“Will it ease your worries when I told you that they YouTubed you?” He asked and grinned as I mouthed an ‘oh God’ beneath my breath and proceeded to hide my face in the pillow, but he continued talking like I wasn’t embarrassed to death about the ridiculous things his parents may have seen me do on the clips that were on there. “They still like you. My mom called you cute, and endearing I think, and my dad found you highly amusing. Trust me, nothing you say or do will surprise them anymore.”

“Well, that’s reassuring.” I told him, my voice muffled by the pillow, while I rolled my eyes, which he didn’t see.

He laughed quietly and pressed his lips against my shoulder. “Point is, you’re the kind of guy they like to see me with. Someone who knows how to have fun. Someone who doesn’t take everything seriously. Someone who knows how to make me happy. And you make me incredibly happy Zac.” He told me and I knew he meant that.

I pulled my head out of the pillow and rested it back normally on the pillow as I looked at him. His brown eyes and calm smile were incredibly reassuring, but I wasn’t completely convinced yet and we both knew that wouldn’t change until I had actually met them. “I’ll think about it, okay?” I said to him, because I really didn’t know what to answer him right then.

He nodded. “That’s all I was asking.”

I nodded too and pressed my lips softly to his. “You really make me incredibly happy too.” I told him softly.

“I can tell.” He said and smiled at me. I smiled back before our lips pressed back against each other’s and didn’t let go for several minutes. The only reason we let go at all was the day that was waiting for us. I had more interviews and Cayden had to help to get the bus ready. Both of us had much rather stayed in bed together, but unfortunately that wasn’t a possibility so we reluctantly got up and took turns showering and getting ready. We then made our way down for breakfast, only to discover we were the first ones there, but we kind of liked the extended alone time. We ordered some breakfast and ate in a comfortable silence while neither of us could really stop staring at the other, or hide the stupid grins on our faces. I’m sure it looked kind of pathetic, but I didn’t care, I was in love.

We were so wrapped up in each other that we were both startled as someone scraped his throat next to our table. We both looked up to see Jacob standing there and we were both surprised.

“Can I?” He asked gesturing to the seat he was standing behind. I nodded stupidly and Cayden managed to bring out a soft ‘yeah’. Jacob nodded and sat down and only ordered a cup of coffee as the waiter approached our table to tend to the new arriver.

We were all quiet. Cayden and I, because we were unsure whether to speak or not and Jacob, because he probably didn’t know what to say or how to say what he wanted to say. So we were silent until the waiter came back with Jacob’s coffee and placed it in front of him. Jacob thanked him and wrapped his hands around the warm cup and stared in it like the words he was about to speak were written in it like it was an auto-cue instead of a cup of steaming hot liquid.

“I.” He sighed. “I can’t do this.” He said and he sounded defeated. I wondered shortly what he meant; whether he wasn’t ready for this conversation yet or whether he couldn’t do this at all, not now, not ever.

Jacob sighed again, deeper this time. “I wish I could and I tried, but I just can’t. It’s just not right to me and I can’t change the way I feel about that. It doesn’t matter what I tell myself or what I try to force myself to think, it always winds down to the thought that this isn’t right. You’re not supposed to.” He looked up at me shortly, unable to finish the rest of that line, but I got the picture anyway. I looked away from him in shame, sadness and guilt, because I was the one causing the pain I could see clearly in his eyes.

“It’s not the way God wanted it to be.” He said quietly.

I nodded slowly. “I know, but a lot of things aren’t the way God planned them to be.” I said softly and Jacob didn’t react to it, which I hadn’t expected him to anyway, so I continued talking. “I didn’t plan to feel this way. I didn’t choose to feel this way. It’s just something inside of me that I can’t turn off, like breathing, and there was a time when I hated it, mostly for the same reasons you do now, but I wouldn’t want to change a thing right now if I was given the choice. He makes me happy and I don’t believe that that is bad. I can’t believe that loving someone is wrong. I won’t believe that.”

He nodded slowly. “I’ve believed it to be wrong for so long, it’s not something I can change anymore. Whenever I see the two of you together or think of it.” He shook his head slowly, unable to finish again. “All I can think of is how wrong it is, no matter how right I know it feels to the two of you. I know he makes you happy, that you make each other happy and I’m glad for that, I really am, but I can’t be around it. I just can’t.” He said quietly.

Cayden and I both nodded sadly, but we both understood what he was saying and we were incredibly thankful for his honesty. It was hard on him, we could tell, but it was something that he needed to say and that we needed to hear.

“So, you’re leaving?” Cayden asked softly.

Jacob nodded. “After the tour is over.”

Cayden and I both nodded and a silence fell once again as we all thought of what was said and what it would mean. Jacob would be leaving and he wouldn’t be coming back. After eight years of touring with him we’d have to start doing it without him. It wouldn’t be the same, but then again, nothing really had been since I started coming out.