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Yup, it's an update. Enjoy and leave comments, please.
title - on the other side
genre - drama/romance
pairing - Zac/OMC
point of view - Zac Hanson
rating - PG-13
betas - I am my own beta. Any and all mistakes are my own. If you happen to tumble across any feel free to inform me so I may correct them, thank you.
info - we follow Zac as he engages himself in his first ever relationship and watch as he fights for a love some think shouldn't exist, but couldn't feel more natural to him.
Previous chapters:
prologue - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10
11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20
21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30
31
[ chapter 32 ]
Three days later I felt a lot more like my old self. That wasn’t to say that I wasn’t hurting anymore, because the fact that it was New Year’s Eve tonight and that I –for the first time in my life– wasn’t spending it with my family hadn’t escaped me. It was a little hard to grasp that I wasn’t welcome there anymore, but I tried not to dwell on it too much, because I was welcome here and no one needed to see me sulking around all day. Frankly, I couldn’t sulk around all day even if I wanted too. Cayden put an almost permanent smile on my face whenever he was near me, no matter how sad I felt, and his parents were two of the greatest people alive and it was impossible to feel horrible for too long. They made me feel so welcome that I couldn’t even begin to express my gratitude towards them. I had been here for only three days and I already felt a bit like I was their son too. On top of that they were incredibly easy about seeing Cayden and I together, they didn’t as much as blink twice when they saw us holding hands or cuddling on the couch or even fully making out, which his mom happened to walk in on by accident the other day. They had complete accepted the way Cayden was and the way we were together and therefore we had no reason to feel weird about it like we did when my brothers were around. It felt completely natural here, like it should be.
The ringing of my phone shook me out of my thoughts of an idealistic world in which everyone could just be who they were without being troubled for it. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand as I was currently sitting on Cayden’s bed with a notebook on my lap. It was Isaac calling and I picked up happy to hear something from the home-front. I had only talked to him once since I had left.
“How are you doing?” He asked after we had gotten past our greetings.
“Better.” I told him. “It’s good to be away from the tension.”
“Yeah, I can imagine.” He said and I realized then that he sounded tired.
“Is everything okay back home?”
“Yeah, I suppose. It’s all a bit.” He hesitated a moment. “Out of the ordinary. A little tense, you know. Mom and dad are still pretty upset by your revelation and leaving and it rubs off on the kids, especially Zoë and Mack because they haven’t got a clue what’s going on. Mom and dad try to act like nothing happened, but they freeze up every time anyone mentions your name and then they ignore the question or whatever else is said about you. I’m sure Jess and Ave would come to your defenses if they weren’t scared of being punished. Everything’s just rocky right now. They even told Taylor and me that they didn’t want us to be around you anymore, which isn’t going to happen of course and they’re not incredibly happy with us for that.”
“I’m sorry.” I mumbled guiltily, they shouldn’t have been dragged into this too.
“It’s not your fault you know. I don’t know what mom and dad expect from us. You’re our brother. We have a band together. I don’t think they have even thought of that. I’m personally still having trouble accepting the fact that dad actually told you that you didn’t have to come back. I don’t care if he means it or not, but just the fact that he said that. They’re just so stuck on the idea that you’re going to infect us all with your disease or curse or whatever it is exactly they think that’s wrong with you and it’s insane. It’s already making me feel horrible. I can’t even imagine how just must be feeling.” He concluded.
I shrugged, though I was aware he couldn’t see. “I feel like I should be feeling worse than I do. I felt horrible when I was still at home, but now that I’m here it’s like it’s all just some really bad nightmare that happened in some other life or other reality; like it can’t really have happened. It’s just feels too surreal. I mean, of course it hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt before, but at the same time it’s hard for me to feel too hurt for too long with Cayden around. Being with him just reminds me of why I’m doing this. It is hurting, but I need to do this for me, because if I’m going to listen to mom and dad I’m going to be hurting a whole lot more in the end.”
“I know. I wish we could somehow make mom and dad see that too. I’ve tried to talk to them, but I didn’t get any better result than you did.”
“You don’t need to try and change their minds Ike. Things are already hard enough as it is. I don’t want you to start fighting with mom and dad too.”
“You haven’t heard the way they talk about you. If I would have been a bystander I would have thought they were talking of the most evil person on earth instead of their own flesh and blood. It’s not right in any kind of way.”
“But it’s not up to you to try and fix it. I really appreciate it, but I don’t want you to get in any more trouble. I already feel bad enough knowing that I’m making life horrible for everyone.”
“Nobody’s blaming you.” Isaac said.
“No?” I asked.
“No.” He assured me, but something in his voice made it that I didn’t entirely believe him.
“And Tay? How’s he dealing with all this?”
“He’s.” Isaac sighed and it proved to me that it was indeed Taylor who was having a hard time with all of this and I couldn’t blame him. I knew it was already hard enough for him to try and accept that this was a part of me, that this was something that made me happy without having mom and dad up his back about it.
“He’s having a hard time.” Isaac said. “He feels like he’s stuck because there’s a part of him that feels the way mom and dad do, but there’s this other part of him that doesn’t want to lose his brother and friend.”
“Do you think he’s going to change his mind?” I asked quietly.
“No.” Isaac answered surely. “He cares too much about you to cut you out of his life. And I think that as much as he wishes you weren’t gay he has also accepted that this isn’t something that you chose to be and that it’s not something you can give up without becoming incredibly unhappy. I don’t think he’s going to defend you in front of mom or dad, but he’s definitely not going to give up on you.”
“That’s good to know.” I said and a short silence fell after that.
“So.” I started after a couple of seconds. “What are you guys doing tonight? The usual or –?”
“Yeah, just the usual as far as I know off. I’m going over there in an hour or so. What about you?” He asked in return.
“We’re just having dinner here. Cayden’s grandma is coming over, so I’m a little nervous. And after that I think we’re watching movies or playing games or something like that. I don’t think they know what we’re doing yet, but I’m sure it will be fun.”
“And you’ll finally get to kiss someone at midnight.” Isaac teased.
“Yes, that’s a plus.” I said with a grin and Cayden choose that moment to walk into the room which made my smile grow even more. Cayden frowned at me and I blew him a corny hand-kiss which made him smile as he walked towards me. He settled himself behind me with his legs on either side of me and leaned back into the wall and I, in turn, leaned back into him and his arms wrapped comfortably around my waist.
“What about you?” I asked continuing the conversation. “Are you going to bring Carly home with you?”
“No, we actually broke up yesterday.”
“Seriously?” I asked surprised. I could honestly say that I hadn’t seen that coming.
“Yeah. It wasn’t going too great. I mean, certain parts of it were fun.” He meant the sex, I was sure. “But we both knew it wasn’t going to last so we decided to just start the New Year by ourselves.”
“So you’ll be making out with the back of your hand then?” I teased him. He had this coming from last year when he had said the same to me.
“Absolutely.” He said sounding almost too serious and I snickered. Cayden frowned at me. I was sure this conversation was making no sense to him so I just mouthed ‘Ike’ and then rolled my eyes, he got my point and smiled as he laced his fingers through mine.
“Oh, I meant to ask. Do you have any idea when you’re coming home, because we do need to do some stuff before the tour continues.” Isaac asked.
“Uh, I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it yet.” I answered as I watched Cayden’s fingers gently brush past my own. “How long do you think we need to prepare. Two or three weeks or something?” I asked.
“Yeah, three probably sounds right.” Isaac answered.
“And we’re leaving, what? Half February? I could come home towards the end of January, around the twenty-fifth or something, if Cayden doesn’t grow tired of me before that, that is.” I said and looked at Cayden somewhat teasingly.
“Never.” He whispered in my ear and kissed my neck softly which set butterflies flying in my stomach.
“Sounds good.” Isaac said on the other side of the line and I was slightly startled because for a second I had completely forgotten about him.
“Okay. I’ll try to book a ticket later and I’ll let you know when exactly I’m coming back.”
“Sure. Talk to you later. And Happy New Year’s.”
“Yeah, you too. Say hi to the rest for me too if you can?”
“I will.” He assured.
“Thanks, I appreciate it.” I told him.
“No problem.” He said and hung up.
I sighed and dropped the phone besides me on the bed.
“Everything okay?” Cayden asked as he kissed my neck again softly. I shrugged a little and gave him a quick relay of the conversation, which already eased some of the burden of my shoulders. It was always easier to share it with someone and especially with Cayden, because I knew he would always understand and be there to listen. He didn’t say anything when I was done talking, but instead kissed me on the lips softly and it immediately made me feel a bit better. His arms wrapped a little tighter around me as I nestled myself a little more into him and slowly but surely I felt the stress from the phone conversation and the thought of the tension I was still causing at home leave my body again. I sighed in contentment as Cayden kissed my neck softly and I could feel his lips curl up in a smile.
“It’s not fair for you to have such an effect on me.” I murmured.
“Maybe not.” He said and brushed his lips past my skin once more. “But I like it.”
“I bet you do.” I said.
“Uhuh.” He hummed. “And I intend to take full advantage of it.” He said and kissed my neck somewhat sloppily. He knew I liked that.
“Is that your New Year’s resolution?”
He chuckled. “The one and only.” He resumed his kissing.
“I suppose I can’t complain about that.” I muttered, tilting my head a little.
“Good.” He said and placed a final kiss in my neck, just below my ear, which made me shiver slightly. “So, what about you? Any New Year’s resolutions?”
“Yeah.” I answered brushing my fingers along his. “To be as happy as I possibly can and to care as little as possible about what people are going to say about me or us.” I said and turned my head to look at him.
“I like those.” He said softly, before I leaned in to kiss him.
“And I don’t want to hide this for another year. I want to be able to really be with you all the time.” I was almost whispering these words.
“You’re thinking of telling the fans?” He asked and I nodded.
“Not right away. I really want to see if things are going to get better with mom and dad first, but I don’t want to keep hiding this much longer. They have a right to know.”
He nodded in understanding. “It’s a big step though.”
“Yeah, I know, but I think it’s better if I just come out with the truth myself, than have one of them catch us being a little too intimate with each other and start a whole series of rumors.”
He nodded again. “I got your back though. I hope you know that.” He said.
“I’m counting on that.” I said and kissed him again.
Of course that one kiss ended up in a bunch of others and we were both out of breath by the time our lips disconnected.
“It’s not fair for you to have this kind of effect on me either.” Cayden muttered before pulling me to him for another kiss before I had the time to chuckle. I was smiling as his lips released mine and I closed my eyes as I rested my head back against his shoulder and our fingers played together lazily. I felt like I could fall asleep at any moment being as warm and comfortable as I was.
“This is really good.” Cayden said suddenly and I opened my eyes and turned my head to look at him to ask him what he was talking about, but then I saw that his eyes were focused on the notebook on my lap on which I’d been scribbling some lyrics that had been forming in my head throughout the morning.
“You think? I just dotted it down. It’s not the way I want it to be yet.” I said feeling a bit self-conscious. Usually I never let anyone read any of my lyrics until I was at least somewhat satisfied with them or had a general idea of what I wanted them to be like, which wasn’t really the case with these yet because I had just started on them this morning.
“It does need work, but I love what you have so far. It’s really recognizable and not because I know you, but because I felt like this at one point too. I think we all have.” He said softly and I knew that the ‘we’ he referred to was everyone who had had to deal with having a different sexuality.
“I guess so.” I said equally as soft as I let my eyes glide along the lines again.
I don't want to be in this house no more
I got to get out of here, before it kills me
I don't want to be in this house no more
I’m getting out that’s for sure
But how could I leave here alone
Honey won't you please come along
(so come on, let’s go – fall in love)
So take what you need and nothing more
We've got a lot to explore
The fear of the world kept us in
Safe from the dirt and the sin
And yes I'm terrified
Cos when you’re out you know there's no return
But I love you and they're going to learn
Cayden tenderly kissed my jaw. “I love you too.” He said in a whisper and I felt my heart skip a beat. So maybe I wasn’t able to spend New Year’s at home and that hurt, but being able to spend it with the someone I loved completely overruled every bit of that pain. In a way I was home.
Also, I could still use some ideas for the next chapter(s). So, if you've got any, now would be the time to tell me.
And before I forget: song credit to The Feeling's the greatest show on earth and a huge thanks to Dan for being so lovely gay.
title - on the other side
genre - drama/romance
pairing - Zac/OMC
point of view - Zac Hanson
rating - PG-13
betas - I am my own beta. Any and all mistakes are my own. If you happen to tumble across any feel free to inform me so I may correct them, thank you.
info - we follow Zac as he engages himself in his first ever relationship and watch as he fights for a love some think shouldn't exist, but couldn't feel more natural to him.
Previous chapters:
prologue - 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10
11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20
21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25 - 26 - 27 - 28 - 29 - 30
31
[ chapter 32 ]
Three days later I felt a lot more like my old self. That wasn’t to say that I wasn’t hurting anymore, because the fact that it was New Year’s Eve tonight and that I –for the first time in my life– wasn’t spending it with my family hadn’t escaped me. It was a little hard to grasp that I wasn’t welcome there anymore, but I tried not to dwell on it too much, because I was welcome here and no one needed to see me sulking around all day. Frankly, I couldn’t sulk around all day even if I wanted too. Cayden put an almost permanent smile on my face whenever he was near me, no matter how sad I felt, and his parents were two of the greatest people alive and it was impossible to feel horrible for too long. They made me feel so welcome that I couldn’t even begin to express my gratitude towards them. I had been here for only three days and I already felt a bit like I was their son too. On top of that they were incredibly easy about seeing Cayden and I together, they didn’t as much as blink twice when they saw us holding hands or cuddling on the couch or even fully making out, which his mom happened to walk in on by accident the other day. They had complete accepted the way Cayden was and the way we were together and therefore we had no reason to feel weird about it like we did when my brothers were around. It felt completely natural here, like it should be.
The ringing of my phone shook me out of my thoughts of an idealistic world in which everyone could just be who they were without being troubled for it. I grabbed my phone from the nightstand as I was currently sitting on Cayden’s bed with a notebook on my lap. It was Isaac calling and I picked up happy to hear something from the home-front. I had only talked to him once since I had left.
“How are you doing?” He asked after we had gotten past our greetings.
“Better.” I told him. “It’s good to be away from the tension.”
“Yeah, I can imagine.” He said and I realized then that he sounded tired.
“Is everything okay back home?”
“Yeah, I suppose. It’s all a bit.” He hesitated a moment. “Out of the ordinary. A little tense, you know. Mom and dad are still pretty upset by your revelation and leaving and it rubs off on the kids, especially Zoë and Mack because they haven’t got a clue what’s going on. Mom and dad try to act like nothing happened, but they freeze up every time anyone mentions your name and then they ignore the question or whatever else is said about you. I’m sure Jess and Ave would come to your defenses if they weren’t scared of being punished. Everything’s just rocky right now. They even told Taylor and me that they didn’t want us to be around you anymore, which isn’t going to happen of course and they’re not incredibly happy with us for that.”
“I’m sorry.” I mumbled guiltily, they shouldn’t have been dragged into this too.
“It’s not your fault you know. I don’t know what mom and dad expect from us. You’re our brother. We have a band together. I don’t think they have even thought of that. I’m personally still having trouble accepting the fact that dad actually told you that you didn’t have to come back. I don’t care if he means it or not, but just the fact that he said that. They’re just so stuck on the idea that you’re going to infect us all with your disease or curse or whatever it is exactly they think that’s wrong with you and it’s insane. It’s already making me feel horrible. I can’t even imagine how just must be feeling.” He concluded.
I shrugged, though I was aware he couldn’t see. “I feel like I should be feeling worse than I do. I felt horrible when I was still at home, but now that I’m here it’s like it’s all just some really bad nightmare that happened in some other life or other reality; like it can’t really have happened. It’s just feels too surreal. I mean, of course it hurts like nothing I’ve ever felt before, but at the same time it’s hard for me to feel too hurt for too long with Cayden around. Being with him just reminds me of why I’m doing this. It is hurting, but I need to do this for me, because if I’m going to listen to mom and dad I’m going to be hurting a whole lot more in the end.”
“I know. I wish we could somehow make mom and dad see that too. I’ve tried to talk to them, but I didn’t get any better result than you did.”
“You don’t need to try and change their minds Ike. Things are already hard enough as it is. I don’t want you to start fighting with mom and dad too.”
“You haven’t heard the way they talk about you. If I would have been a bystander I would have thought they were talking of the most evil person on earth instead of their own flesh and blood. It’s not right in any kind of way.”
“But it’s not up to you to try and fix it. I really appreciate it, but I don’t want you to get in any more trouble. I already feel bad enough knowing that I’m making life horrible for everyone.”
“Nobody’s blaming you.” Isaac said.
“No?” I asked.
“No.” He assured me, but something in his voice made it that I didn’t entirely believe him.
“And Tay? How’s he dealing with all this?”
“He’s.” Isaac sighed and it proved to me that it was indeed Taylor who was having a hard time with all of this and I couldn’t blame him. I knew it was already hard enough for him to try and accept that this was a part of me, that this was something that made me happy without having mom and dad up his back about it.
“He’s having a hard time.” Isaac said. “He feels like he’s stuck because there’s a part of him that feels the way mom and dad do, but there’s this other part of him that doesn’t want to lose his brother and friend.”
“Do you think he’s going to change his mind?” I asked quietly.
“No.” Isaac answered surely. “He cares too much about you to cut you out of his life. And I think that as much as he wishes you weren’t gay he has also accepted that this isn’t something that you chose to be and that it’s not something you can give up without becoming incredibly unhappy. I don’t think he’s going to defend you in front of mom or dad, but he’s definitely not going to give up on you.”
“That’s good to know.” I said and a short silence fell after that.
“So.” I started after a couple of seconds. “What are you guys doing tonight? The usual or –?”
“Yeah, just the usual as far as I know off. I’m going over there in an hour or so. What about you?” He asked in return.
“We’re just having dinner here. Cayden’s grandma is coming over, so I’m a little nervous. And after that I think we’re watching movies or playing games or something like that. I don’t think they know what we’re doing yet, but I’m sure it will be fun.”
“And you’ll finally get to kiss someone at midnight.” Isaac teased.
“Yes, that’s a plus.” I said with a grin and Cayden choose that moment to walk into the room which made my smile grow even more. Cayden frowned at me and I blew him a corny hand-kiss which made him smile as he walked towards me. He settled himself behind me with his legs on either side of me and leaned back into the wall and I, in turn, leaned back into him and his arms wrapped comfortably around my waist.
“What about you?” I asked continuing the conversation. “Are you going to bring Carly home with you?”
“No, we actually broke up yesterday.”
“Seriously?” I asked surprised. I could honestly say that I hadn’t seen that coming.
“Yeah. It wasn’t going too great. I mean, certain parts of it were fun.” He meant the sex, I was sure. “But we both knew it wasn’t going to last so we decided to just start the New Year by ourselves.”
“So you’ll be making out with the back of your hand then?” I teased him. He had this coming from last year when he had said the same to me.
“Absolutely.” He said sounding almost too serious and I snickered. Cayden frowned at me. I was sure this conversation was making no sense to him so I just mouthed ‘Ike’ and then rolled my eyes, he got my point and smiled as he laced his fingers through mine.
“Oh, I meant to ask. Do you have any idea when you’re coming home, because we do need to do some stuff before the tour continues.” Isaac asked.
“Uh, I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it yet.” I answered as I watched Cayden’s fingers gently brush past my own. “How long do you think we need to prepare. Two or three weeks or something?” I asked.
“Yeah, three probably sounds right.” Isaac answered.
“And we’re leaving, what? Half February? I could come home towards the end of January, around the twenty-fifth or something, if Cayden doesn’t grow tired of me before that, that is.” I said and looked at Cayden somewhat teasingly.
“Never.” He whispered in my ear and kissed my neck softly which set butterflies flying in my stomach.
“Sounds good.” Isaac said on the other side of the line and I was slightly startled because for a second I had completely forgotten about him.
“Okay. I’ll try to book a ticket later and I’ll let you know when exactly I’m coming back.”
“Sure. Talk to you later. And Happy New Year’s.”
“Yeah, you too. Say hi to the rest for me too if you can?”
“I will.” He assured.
“Thanks, I appreciate it.” I told him.
“No problem.” He said and hung up.
I sighed and dropped the phone besides me on the bed.
“Everything okay?” Cayden asked as he kissed my neck again softly. I shrugged a little and gave him a quick relay of the conversation, which already eased some of the burden of my shoulders. It was always easier to share it with someone and especially with Cayden, because I knew he would always understand and be there to listen. He didn’t say anything when I was done talking, but instead kissed me on the lips softly and it immediately made me feel a bit better. His arms wrapped a little tighter around me as I nestled myself a little more into him and slowly but surely I felt the stress from the phone conversation and the thought of the tension I was still causing at home leave my body again. I sighed in contentment as Cayden kissed my neck softly and I could feel his lips curl up in a smile.
“It’s not fair for you to have such an effect on me.” I murmured.
“Maybe not.” He said and brushed his lips past my skin once more. “But I like it.”
“I bet you do.” I said.
“Uhuh.” He hummed. “And I intend to take full advantage of it.” He said and kissed my neck somewhat sloppily. He knew I liked that.
“Is that your New Year’s resolution?”
He chuckled. “The one and only.” He resumed his kissing.
“I suppose I can’t complain about that.” I muttered, tilting my head a little.
“Good.” He said and placed a final kiss in my neck, just below my ear, which made me shiver slightly. “So, what about you? Any New Year’s resolutions?”
“Yeah.” I answered brushing my fingers along his. “To be as happy as I possibly can and to care as little as possible about what people are going to say about me or us.” I said and turned my head to look at him.
“I like those.” He said softly, before I leaned in to kiss him.
“And I don’t want to hide this for another year. I want to be able to really be with you all the time.” I was almost whispering these words.
“You’re thinking of telling the fans?” He asked and I nodded.
“Not right away. I really want to see if things are going to get better with mom and dad first, but I don’t want to keep hiding this much longer. They have a right to know.”
He nodded in understanding. “It’s a big step though.”
“Yeah, I know, but I think it’s better if I just come out with the truth myself, than have one of them catch us being a little too intimate with each other and start a whole series of rumors.”
He nodded again. “I got your back though. I hope you know that.” He said.
“I’m counting on that.” I said and kissed him again.
Of course that one kiss ended up in a bunch of others and we were both out of breath by the time our lips disconnected.
“It’s not fair for you to have this kind of effect on me either.” Cayden muttered before pulling me to him for another kiss before I had the time to chuckle. I was smiling as his lips released mine and I closed my eyes as I rested my head back against his shoulder and our fingers played together lazily. I felt like I could fall asleep at any moment being as warm and comfortable as I was.
“This is really good.” Cayden said suddenly and I opened my eyes and turned my head to look at him to ask him what he was talking about, but then I saw that his eyes were focused on the notebook on my lap on which I’d been scribbling some lyrics that had been forming in my head throughout the morning.
“You think? I just dotted it down. It’s not the way I want it to be yet.” I said feeling a bit self-conscious. Usually I never let anyone read any of my lyrics until I was at least somewhat satisfied with them or had a general idea of what I wanted them to be like, which wasn’t really the case with these yet because I had just started on them this morning.
“It does need work, but I love what you have so far. It’s really recognizable and not because I know you, but because I felt like this at one point too. I think we all have.” He said softly and I knew that the ‘we’ he referred to was everyone who had had to deal with having a different sexuality.
“I guess so.” I said equally as soft as I let my eyes glide along the lines again.
I don't want to be in this house no more
I got to get out of here, before it kills me
I don't want to be in this house no more
I’m getting out that’s for sure
But how could I leave here alone
Honey won't you please come along
(so come on, let’s go – fall in love)
So take what you need and nothing more
We've got a lot to explore
The fear of the world kept us in
Safe from the dirt and the sin
And yes I'm terrified
Cos when you’re out you know there's no return
But I love you and they're going to learn
Cayden tenderly kissed my jaw. “I love you too.” He said in a whisper and I felt my heart skip a beat. So maybe I wasn’t able to spend New Year’s at home and that hurt, but being able to spend it with the someone I loved completely overruled every bit of that pain. In a way I was home.
Also, I could still use some ideas for the next chapter(s). So, if you've got any, now would be the time to tell me.
And before I forget: song credit to The Feeling's the greatest show on earth and a huge thanks to Dan for being so lovely gay.
mood: oh my
music: the greatest show on earth
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